


Adventures in Nelson-Sitting

by Kneekeyta



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 04:15:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5652073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kneekeyta/pseuds/Kneekeyta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae babysits Finn's sister Lilly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Hi Lily, how was school today?” Rae asked when Lily opened the door.

“Horrible as usual” Lily crossed her arms dramatically and scrunched her face.

 

Rae offered her sympathetic smile patting her on the head.

She had met Lily and her parents, Gary and Emily at Tesco’s; Lily had unfortunately ran into her arch nemesis from school and was giving her a hard time near the sweets, Rae couldn’t stand to just watch and do nothing having been in many similar situations where no one stepped up to help, so Rae stepped in pretending to be Lily’s sister giving the girl a pointed look until she muttered something and backed off.

Lily was eternally grateful to Rae, revealing that Macey went to her school and was always hassling her, Rae couldn’t help but laugh internally because the bane of her existence was named Stacey. Rae walked Lily back to find her parents where she told them what happened, Emily and Gary thanked Rae, she nodded and said any one would have done the same, but they knew all too well that that wasn’t true. As Rae walked away Lily came tugging on her arm, Gary and Emily offered Rae the job of babysitter and Rae happily accepted, after mulling it over a moment of course, after all she could use the extra cash for music and tickets to Knebworth in the summer and the hopeful look on Lily’s face made it easy for her to say yes as well.

Rae had been babysitting Lily for about two weeks and had come to find they were kindred spirits. Although Rae was 16 and Lily was 12 they seemed to struggle with the same issues, Lily was tall for her age and fuller, so she often had trouble with the popular kids many times leading to tears being shed.

This feeling was all too familiar for Rae, she was constantly belittled and put down in school and on the streets, so much so that after her _accident_ the previous spring her mother decided to move from Leeds to Lincolnshire to get a fresh start, she had now been seeing a therapist and was doing much better at dismissing the looks and comments of others, which she would occasionally run in to, although her confidence level was much higher now.

Rae would hang out with Lily (Lily never like to call it babysitting) after school from 4 p.m. when her father would leave for work until 7 p.m when her mother would come home from work. They had a bit of a routine, Lily would tell Rae about her day in a dramatic fashion, and Rae would try to offer her some helpful advice, often echoing the words of her therapist. Then they would tackle homework, then would end with a dance to relieve the stress, another thing Rae liked about Lily was that she wasn’t into the poppy boy bands, she liked Oasis, Blur, The Stone Roses and Primal Scream, so when it came time for the stress relief dance they would always blast Primal Scream _Movin’ on up._

Rae and Lily had just got done with homework and were more than ready to release some steam as Rae did not have a particularly good day at school either, what with Stacey and her gang feeling extra talkative. Rae had heard it all and it didn’t bother her so much because it was just so uninventive, but still hearing it was more than annoying. Lily had told Rae that she had left the cd in her room to go ahead and go up and get it her room being the first door on the left, while Lily went to the bathroom.

Rae had never been upstairs they always just stayed in the lounge or the dining room, Rae went in Lily’s room and it was similar to Rae’s, it took Rae a moment to riffle through the stack of cds to find it, when Rae turned around she could hear a voice calling for a Lily, but it wasn’t one she recognized she stepped into the doorway of Lily’s room coming face to face with Finn Nelson. Rae had never put two and two together, Lily’s last name was Nelson, but thinking about it, it made sense that Lily and Finn were related. Rae may or may have not heard Finn talking about music the way she talks about music, and now she knows where Lily got her taste from. Rae had only started this school but she learned that he was definitely the fittest boy there and often had a trail of girls behind him, but word was that he and Stacey were _hanging out._

“Um..” he said, obviously confused.

“Uh..” Rae said, staring back at him not sure what to do.

“Finn, what are you doing home?” Lily pushed him aside grabbing Rae’s hand, not waiting for an answer and started pulling her into the hall and downstairs.

Rae followed behind Lily not risking glancing back at Finn. When they got down stairs Rae told Lily she wanted to get a drink of water first, Rae really needed it after seeing Finn Nelson up that close. Rae and Lily were sipping on water when Finn came into the kitchen.

“How was your day, Lily pad” Finn said as he ruffled Lily’s hair.

“Bad until I talked to Rae” Lily said swatting Finn away.

“Who?” he furrowed his brows

“Rae, my babysitter” she pointed over to Rae, who gave Finn a slight wave feeling like a complete twat afterwards.

“Oh, yeah forgot you had one now” he said.

“Um, hey I’m Finn” he nodded at Rae

“I know, we got to the same school” Rae smiled weakly at him.

“We do?” he furrowed his brows

“Yeah” she nodded.

“Finn, why are you home so early” Lily asked

Finn looked to Lily “Needed to get The Smiths and you had it last, Archie needs to borrow it, wants to do a mash up that I’m just dreading hearing” Finn shook his head.

“When will he give up on those?” Lily smirked.

“Not soon enough” Finn laughed.

“Right I’ll just go get it” Lily left the kitchen, leaving Finn and Rae staring awkwardly at each other.

“So..”

“So..”

“Lily really seems to like you” Finn said.

“She’s not so bad herself, and the fact that she doesn’t listen to crap fm or boy bands is just a huge plus” Rae chuckled.

Finn laughed “Crap fm, that’s brilliant, yeah I like to think she takes after me in that department” Finn smiled at Rae

“Well, then you done good so far, but I have a thing or two I can teach her” Rae smirked

Finn had a little smirk on his face ready to reply but was interrupted when Lily came back shoving the cd at him, telling him to leave because it was time for their dance relief, Finn furrowed his brows and looked at Rae who just smirked at him. When Finn got to the front door he heard the familiar sound of _Movin’ on up_ blasting through the lounge, he shut the door with a smile on his face.

–

In the few weeks that passed, Rae had really helped Lily with her confidence. Although one tip she did give her got Lily into a little bit of trouble at school. Emily and Gary were not mad at Rae or Lily, in fact they were proud of Lily standing up for herself. Rae had told Lily that people could either for accept her for who she was or they could Fuck off; well Lily had been confronted by Macey who had been friendly with her for two days, Lily wasn’t stupid enough to fall into what was sure to be a trap, so she was just her usual self, then at on the second day at lunch, Macey came up to Lily and told her that she changed her mind and could never be friends with someone who was fat, this leading Lily to shout at Macey to just _fuck off_ resulting into Lily getting sent home from school.

Rae and Lily were sitting on the sofa waiting for Emily and Gary to come back with a take away, as Emily left work early and Gary took a day off to deal with the matter as a family. Lily was telling Rae how good it felt, when the front door opened, Lily and Rae came from the lounge to find it was Finn, who gave them a little wave and following behind him was Stacey who when stepped in said “Oh god” disgustedly looking directly at Rae.

“Um, come on Lily lets go wait for your parents in the lounge” Rae said placing her hand on Lily’s shoulder.

“Hold on, Finn is this your girlfriend” Lily playfully sang

Finn was still a little taken aback from Stacey’s reaction to Rae, “erm uh..” he fumbled.

“Yes, I’m Stacey..” she smiled at Lily

“Hi, I’m Lily and this is Rae my babysitter” Lily smiled up at Rae

“Stacey..” Rae said acknowledging her.

Stacey just tried to fake a smile.

“Oh Finn dear take these"  they heard from the front door which was still ajar.

Finn turned around to see his mum handing him some takeaway bags, which he quickly took from her. Finns dad came in with some drinks introducing himself and his wife to Stacey.

"Finn we need you to stay for dinner tonight, I’m sorry Stacey I hope you don’t mind we need to have a family meeting” Emily spoke softly to Finn and Stacey.

“Sure mum” Finn shrugged un-phased.

“Of course Mrs. Nelson” Stacey smiled, she turned giving Finn a peck on the cheek

Then turned to Rae “Come on Rae we can walk together”

“Oh no Rae is staying”

“You three go get washed up"  Emily smiled

"Come on Lily” Rae said, her and Lily hurrying up the stairs not wanting to see how Stacey was going to react. 

When they came back down stairs Stacey was gone and Gary had already set out the food on the dining room table, telling everyone to help themselves. Gary and Emily were talking to each other while Rae and Lily were discussing music, to which Finn intervened leading all three into chatting animatedly about Babylon Zoo, Rae and Lily showing a serious distaste for _Spaceman_ and Finn trying to convince them otherwise.

“Alright now for why we called this little meeting” Gary said

“Today Lily was sent home early from school for telling a girl off”

“The one who is always giving you shit?” Finn asked, he had been hearing off and on about a girl who had been giving Lily some trouble.

“Yeah” Lily smiled

“Good for you, if she’d have a brother this would be over long ago” Finn smirked.

“Now none of that” Emily said, Finn rolled his eyes. 

“Well, good for you Lily pad” Finn smiled, turning his attention back to Lily.

“Well, it was all thanks to Rae” Lily smiled a Rae, who became slightly embarrassed with all eyes on her.

“What?” Finn furrowed his brows.

“Right it is thanks to Rae, that Lily has become more accepting of herself and while we appreciate everything you do Rae, just maybe don’t use words that could get her sent home from school” Gary laughed

“That’s right you have helped Lily a lot ever since that day at Tesco’s when we met you but like my husband said maybe less colorful words” Emily smiled.

Rae couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for love” Gary and Emily smiled at Rae

“What were the advice?” Finn asked looking between all four of them

“Rae told me that people could either accept me for who I was or they could "F-off”, and Macey was pretending to be my friend all of a sudden then told me she couldn’t be my friend because I was fat, so I told her to fuck off" Lily cupped her mouth looking between her parents then let out a chuckle when they laughed, “Sorry mum, sorry dad” she said “it’s okay but that’s the last time, yeah” Gary winked at Lily who nodded.

Rae gave Finn a small smile who was looking at her with an unreadable expression. “Come on Rae lets go listen to Primal Scream although I think I’m too full to dance” Lily laughed

Rae and Lily pushed out their chairs and stood up ready to make their way upstairs.

“Not to late Lily, be in bed by 9” Emily said

“But its Friday” Lily whined

“Yes, but we need to punish you somehow” Emily smirked at her and Rae.

“Fine” Lily drawled out

Her and Rae went up to her room where they listened to _Movin’ on up_ , when the song ended Lily turned off her stereo, and sat back down next to Rae on the floor their backs against the bed.

There was a knock on the door and it opened “Hey guy’s um..Rae mum wants to talk to you before you leave.” Finn said softly

“Yeah, alright I’ll be down in a few minutes, thanks” she smiled at Finn, he nodded and stuck out his tongue at Lily who did the same in return.

“Rae..” Lily said after Finn shut the door.

“Yeah..”

“You know Stacey” she asked not looking at Rae.

“Unfortunately yes”

“She reminds me of Macey, she looked at you how Macey looks at me” Lily said finally looking at Rae.

“Well, she is my Macey at school” Rae sighed.

“You mean she makes fun of you?”

“She and her friends do like to say things to me, but I try not to let it get to me” Rae smiled at Lily.

“Will it ever stop..I mean people being mean?” Lily looked at Rae with watery eyes.

Rae put her arm around Lily pulling her close “I wish I could tell you yes, but there will always be Macey’s and Stacey’s in the world, and it sucks, and some days you won’t care what they say and others you will, but just know you’re perfect the way you are, that there is nothing wrong with you” Rae told her softly.

“How could Finn date someone who is mean, especially to you? Lily looked up at Rae, who was at a loss for words.

She thought a moment, "Well, I’m sure Stacey is really nice in her own way” she looked at Lily who did not believe what she was saying causing them both to laugh.

“I’m gonna go, you get to bed and remember what I told you, just not the bad word”

Lily hugged Rae tightly “See you Monday” Lily said.

“See you Monday” Rae smiled.

She walked out of Lily’s room and downstairs into the kitchen to find Emily who engulfed Rae into a hug.

“Rae, I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to have you here helping Lily, she has changed so much since you have been here and I just want to say Thank you” Emily said hugging Rae again.

“Well, as you know I had similar problems and I don’t ever want her to experience what I did so I’ll do whatever I can to help her” Rae said when she pulled out of the hug.

Rae had told Gary and Emily about what she went through thinking it was only fair they knew, Emily and Gary agreeing to only keep it between them, also she needed them to know because she had her therapy sessions afterschool two days a week, which is why she starts at 4.

“My heart hurts that you went through that Rae but you are so strong and you’re a survivor, we are lucky to have you” Emily said as a tear escaped.

“I’m just happy I can help Lily” Rae smiled at Emily.

“Thanks Rae, now go on I’m sure you’ve got plenty to do on a Friday night”

“See you Monday” Rae smiled and walked out of the kitchen on her way out she bumped into Finn.

“Oh, sorry” she said with a little smile

“S’alright, come on I’ll walk you to the door” he motioned with one shoulder

Rae smiled and nodded, when they got to the door Finn opened it for her and she stepped out onto the stairs and turned back “goodnight Finn” she smiled at him

“Good night Rae” he smiled at her.

Rae turned and walked down stairs when she heard Finn call her, she turned around to see Finn look back in the house then stepped out shutting the door behind him and walked over to Rae.

“Yeah..” she said raising her eyebrows in question.

“Erm..is it true..y’know what you said about Stacey”

“You were listening?”

Finn nodded and looked down nervously.

“Look Finn, I don’t want to bad mouth your girlfriend”

Finn jerked his head up furrowing his brows at her “she’s not my girlfriend” he said bluntly.

“Oh..well whatever you she is to you I’m not go-”

“Just is it true?” Finn asked urgently.

Rae sighed “yeah, it is”

“Lily said she looked at you the way her bully looks at her” Finn said looking confused.

“Well you saw how she was when she saw me and said ‘oh god’” Rae rolled her eyes after mimicking Stacey.

“I just thought maybe she recognized you, cos we go to the same college”

“Yeah, she recognized me as her favorite person to hassle”

“I’ve never heard her say anything to you”

Rae laughed again “Look, Finn, there are places and times to do it, in passing, in the girls bathroom, the girls locker room, you can believe me or not, I really don’t care but you asked..so” Rae shrugged. 

“I..I didn’t know she was like that” Finn brought he gaze to hers.

Rae shrugged, “Um..so you went through something similar before you moved here” Finn asked.

“Jesus Finn, did you have nothing better to do than eavesdrop on my conversations” Rae said exacerbated

“Well, I j-just wanted to know about you"  he shrugged and kicked at imaginary rocks.

"There are better ways to go about it Finn, like you could ask me, I mean we go to school together and we pass in the halls all the time, also I’m here at your house five days a week, so you had plenty of chances”

“Well, you don’t ever say anything to me at school” he said a bit annoyed.

Rae sighed “Right, because I’m not stupid, why would I want to cause trouble for myself, but I guess it’s inevitable now that Stacey knows I babysit your sister”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Finn..” Rae sighed putting her hand over her face

She put her hand down and took a deep breath “As I’m sure you know, you are the fittest guy in school..” she paused as a grin spread across his face

“Oh god..” she groaned

“You think I’m fit” he had a sly grin

“Not the point _Finnley_ , now how would it look for _me_ to say hi to _you_ , _me_ the one Stacey Stringfellow despises talking to the fittest guy in school, it would be like opening the flood gates of hell”

“Rae, I’m lost why would you talking to me at school be horrible?”

“Finn, you will just never understand, because you were lucky enough to look..” she waved her hand at him “look like you do”

“What”

“Finn, the popular opinion is that I’m fat and ugly and it would just look sad and pathetic to outsiders if I talked to you at school.”

“You’re not any of those things Rae” Finn said defensively.

“Well, as much as that means, thank you, but to others I am, and they would have no problem taking the piss”

“I don’t think so” Finn shook his head

“I think so, I get enough of it when I’m just minding my own business, so I know talking to you would be a whole lot worse”

“So what now we have to secret friends” Finn said, his voice hitching some

“Were we friends before?” she furrowed her brows at him.

“Well, why not?”

“No, its fine yeah, we can be friends”

-

In the next three weeks Rae and Finn would share little smiles when they would pass each other in the hall, Rae never talked to Finn at school though he understood why but he didn’t like it.

 He and Rae were becoming good friends and he would find himself coming home right after school to hang out with Rae and Lily, sometimes they would head down to the record store and browse the vinyl’s which they often would lose track of time like now,

“Oh we got to get back mum will be home, Finn” Lily said across the shelf.

He glanced at his watch “Alright Lily pad”

“Hey Rae-Rae..time to go” Finn said as he walked up to Rae.

“Finn, what did I say about calling me that” Rae tried to give him a pointed look.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” he smirked her.

“Whatever dickhead” she rolled her eyes and smiled at him.

As they were walking out Finn ran into Archie, He introduced Rae to Archie, Archie saying that it was open mic night at the pub the next night which was Friday and that Rae should come watch. Rae had recognized Archie from school but they didn’t mingle in the same crowd; Rae basically just stuck to herself, sometimes she would talk to this girl Izzy but that’s it. Rae accepted the invitation happily, Finn saying that they could go together.

As they walked back to the house Finn asked Rae how Lily was doing, Rae told him that she was doing alright, but reiterated that it’s a long process and that Lily still has problems with that girl at school, Finn asked of Rae was still having issues with Stacey, she just nodded not wanting to elaborate.

When they got to the house dinner was ready and all four chatted back and forth about their day, after dinner Finn walked Rae out.

“You didn’t have to walk me out Finn” Rae said turning to Finn with a small smile

He shrugged smiling at her through his lashes “no big deal”

“Right, well see you tomorrow”

Finn nodded his head and swooped in giving Rae a quick kiss on the cheek “See you tomorrow” he said walking off throwing a wave behind him.

Rae watched as Finn walked in to the house never looking back, she couldn’t help the smile on her face as she walked home.

The next day at school Rae decide to sit in the cafeteria which she never did, but she had her headphones on while reading a book to keep her distracted, she flinched as she felt someone sit beside her, she turned slowly to see it was Finn, he was taking a sandwich out of a bag, Rae took her headphones off and set down her book “Finn, what are you doing?” she asked.

“Eating lunch” he said in an obvious tone

He took a bite of his sandwich then gave her a smile, she chuckled and nudged him a little.

Finn swallowed his bite and Archie sat down “Hi Finn, Hi Rae” Archie said as he sat down.

“Hi Arch” Rae smiled

“So excited to see me perform tonight?” Archie asked

Rae and Finn looked at each other, Finn having told Rae about Archie’s creative choices.

“Yeah..” Rae drew out and Finn laughed as he bit into his sandwich.

“Hi Rae, Finn, Archie” Izzy said as she sat down.

“Izzy you know these two?” Rae asked

“Yeah they’re friends with my boyfriend Chop” Izzy said.

“I didn’t know you knew Rae, Iz” Finn furrowed his brows.

“Yeah, we talk in the common room or in the library” Izzy smiled at Rae.

“How come I’ve never seen you in here Rae” Izzy asked, Archie and Finn looking at her for an answer.

“Um..normally I just sit by myself outside” Rae shrugged.

“Well, you can’t anymore, you have to sit with us” Izzy smiled.

“Yeah, Finn says you have an in depth knowledge of music and I would like to hear about it” Archie said.

Rae looked at Finn with a surprised look and he just shrugged.

“What’s this?”

The looked up to see Stacey and Vicky, Lois, Amy and Chloe looking at them.

“What?” Izzy said, she waved small at Chloe who waved back, she could never understand why Chloe wanted to be friends with Stacey.

“Why are you sitting with her?” Stacey nodded towards Rae.

“Because she’s our friend” Finn said, from beside Rae.

“I thought your sister was her only friend, why would you be friends with a minger like her” Stacey snarled.

“Stacey why are you so foul all the time” Archie asked.

“What are you on about I just want to know why you guys would rather sit with a minger than me” she shrugged with a sweet smile, the kind you wanna slap off.

“I’m just going to go” Rae said softly, she didn’t mind Stacey saying things about her but she didn’t want to give the others grief over it.

“No you’re not going anywhere, Rae” Finn said putting his hand on Rae’s arm to hold her.

“Stacey is the one who needs to leave, so leave Stacey and while you’re at it quit saying horrible things about Rae” Finn spat.

“You can’t be serious you would rather hang around that than me..is that why you stopped hanging around me because of her” Stacey said putting her hand on her hip.

Rae knew that stance all too well, and things were probably going to get loud. “I stopped hanging around you because I realized you’re a horrible person, now fuck off and don’t talk to any of us again” Finn seethed.

“You’ll be sorry I’ll make a—”

“Stacey that’s enough, Rae never did anything to you” Chloe spoke up from behind.

“Oh so you wanna defend the minger now” Stacey turned a little to face Chloe, Chloe retreated

“Stacey just Fuck off already, I don’t even care what you call me it’s all just so uninventive..and it just makes me feel bad for you” Rae said confidently.

Izzy and Archie started to snicker with laughter, as a huge grin crossed Finn’s face “You heard her Stacey, Fuck off” Finn repeated.

Stacey scoffed and stomped off all her friends in tow except for Chloe, she hung around timidly.

“Sorry she’s always so mean to you Rae, I should have said something sooner and I don’t’ even know why I wanted to be friends with her” Chloe spoke softly.

Rae just smiled at her “well, you gonna sit or what”

Chloe smiled and sat down on next to Rae, they all fell into talking about going to the pub later for open mic night and hanging out during the weekend.

After school when Rae walked out into the carpark she was greeted by Finn, he asked her if she wanted a ride to his house so she didn’t have to walk, she was hesitant at first but he assured her his scooter was safe and that he even brought an extra helmet for her, Rae smiled and accepted the ride. When they got to his house Finn helped her off the scooter while she playfully pushed him for driving too fast, he told her she was imagining things.

When they got to the front door it swung open Lily saying she needed to talk to Rae, she had tear stains on her face evident she had been crying. Finn looked at Rae worriedly and she told him to just wait in the lounge until she calmed Lily down.

A half hour later Rae came down stairs to find Finn tapping his foot nervously when he spotted Rae he shot up “what happened?”

Rae motioned for him to sit down and she sat down next to him

“A boy” Rae said

“What did he do, do I need to talk to him” Finn said, the protectiveness coming out in him.

“No, no not like that” Rae patted Finn on the arm with a little smile.

“To quote Lily she was talking to the fittest boy in her class about Oasis, and Macey came up to her and asked her if she was a ‘lezzie and if not she should be because no boy would like a fat minger like her’” Rae said, then she waited for Finn to take in what she said.

“What the fuck” Finn spat.

“Yeah, I know” Rae sighed sadly

“What did you tell her?” Finn asked softly, calming some.

“I told her that she was probably jealous, because she was the one talking to the fit boy, who’s called Kyle by the way..”

“..then she asked why Macey would be jealous of her, that Macey was right, Kyle would never like her like that because he’s to fit for someone like her..” Rae took a breath.

“So I told her that Macey was not right and just because she didn’t fit the fucked up ideal of what a girl should look like doesn’t mean she’s any less beautiful and that it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside a person should like you for how you are on the inside..”

“Then I asked her what else her and Kyle talk about and she said mainly music and football, so I told her ‘see he’s talking to you because you have things in common and that matters to him if it was just based on looks and he thought the way Macey thought he wouldn’t talk to you’..and that even if he didn’t fancy her, he was still liked her as a friend and thats why he talks to her”

“I think she understood, I did my best to explain..” Rae sighed.

Finn looked at Rae and she couldn’t make out his expression “Finn..are you alright” she furrowed her brows at him.

Finn blinked a few times then suddenly hugged Rae, Rae couldn’t help but laugh, that was the second time one of the Nelsons randomly pulled her into a hug. Rae awkwardly patted Finn’s back and then he released her.

“S-sorry” he blushed

“It’s fine” Rae smiled.

Finn was still holding onto Rae’s shoulders as they stared at each other.

“Rae, can we do the dance first” Lily said as she came bounding down the stairs, Finn dropped his hands to rest on his lap.

“Sure” Rae smiled, Lily went and put on the song.

Rae, Finn and Lily danced around happily with the song on repeat at top volume, they were swinging around in a circle holding hands not even registering Emily coming through the front door.

She smiled as she walked up to them, Lily grabbed her by the hand pulling her in, Emily locking her hand with Rae, dancing until the song ended.

“Good day” Emily asked with a smile.

“Turned out to be” Lily smiled at Rae, who hadn’t registered her and Finn were still holding hands.

“Rae would you like to stay for dinner I’m going to order pizza” Emily asked

“Its okay mum, we’re meeting Arch and them at the pub but going to the Chippy first” Finn said quickly pulling Rae towards the door after he finished his sentence.

“Wait!” Lily shouted, she ran up to Rae wrapping her arms around her, Rae dropped Finn’s hand hugging Lily tightly back, Lily whispering a thank you to Rae.

Lily pulled out of the hug giving Finn a little shove then made her way back into the lounge.

Rae and Finn walked chatting a little to the chippy, Rae wondering if her and Finn would have still been holding hands if she wouldn’t have broken it to hug Lily.


	2. Chapter 2

When they got to the chippy Finn opened the door for Rae with a shy smile, she smiled at him ducking her head tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she entered.

Rae went up to the counter to order some chips and a coke, but before she could say ‘that’s all’ Finn order fish and chips with a coke and proceeded to pay for their meal.

 

“Finn, you didn’t have to pay for my food” she softly protested.

Finn tilted his head with a little shrug smiling at through his lashes, “let’s sit” he motioned to a table across from them.  

For a Friday night the place was empty, they sat in silence for a few moments studying their hands, Rae looked up at Finn, “Thanks Finn” she smiled small at him.

“S'alright” he gave her a lopsided smile.

“So about what you told Lily..” he trailed off nervously. 

“I..um.. it was good advice” he smiled at her.

Rae smiled at him cheekily, “so that’s why you attacked me” she chuckled.

Finn snorted a laugh, “Whatever” he rolled his eyes.

“I’m just jokin’ it surprised me is all, never took you for the hugging type” she shrugged with a playful smile.

“I hug people..well people I like..” he said bashfully.

“Oh..” Rae replied her voice going up in pitch.

Finn smiled then cleared his throat, “so..um..tell me about yourself”

Rae fidgeted nervously, “um..like what?”

“I dunno anything…” he shrugged.

Rae had a feeling he might have been pushing to hear about her similar experience with bullying but she wasn’t ready to discuss that part of her life with him.

Rae looked down snorting a laugh with the single thought that came to mind, “um..when I was little..like around 8 I used to wear this navy blue swimsuit and I would wear it all day every day and go everywhere in it..” she chuckled.

“Really?” Finn smiled his eyes crinkling.

“Yeah” Rae laughed.  

“Even to school?” He questioned.

“Ha..no..it was just during the summer” she playfully rolled her eyes.

“Well, it’s almost summer break, how about a repeat performance, y’know, my favorite color is navy blue” he grinned at her.

Rae started to giggle, “Very cheeky Finnley”

“I’m dead serious, Rae” he tilted his head looking up at her through his eyelashes biting his bottom lip.

Rae’s mouth popped open slightly, her face felt hot and she knew her cheeks were probably flushing red; if she didn’t know any better it would seem like the fittest lad in all of forever was flirting with her, maybe she could play a little.

“I would love to..” she said, her voice dropping to a lustful tone, “but I don’t have a swim suit anymore” she shrugged with a little smirk.

Finn bit his lip hard trying not to let his grin spread, “that’s a shame that is” he said then licked his lips his eyes dark eyes holding hers.

Rae’s eyes were locked on Finn’s, she was processing her next move when the sound of her chips being set down in front of her startled her and she sat back some offering the women a small smile.

She cleared her throat looking over to see Finn still watching her, “Ahem, so..uh tell me something about you.”

His lustful expression turned into a nervous smirk as he brought is right hand up to scratch his ear, “erm..” he laughed.

“I..uh..used to where a cape with a capital ‘F’ mum sewed onto it..” he chuckled.

“That’s cute” Rae giggled.

“Did you wear it to school?” Rae asked.

Finn averted his gaze and dropped his head a faint blush feeling his cheeks, “you did!?” Rae excitedly exclaimed.

“I was in my super hero phase.” he rolled his eyes playfully.

“Did you fight crime and protect the innocent?” Rae teased.

“Ha Ha, very funny” he smirked at her.

“I uh..mostly used to pretend to save Lily from ‘giant mutant squirrels’ in the garden” Finn chuckled.

“Everyone got a real laugh out of it, but I’m her older brother so I’m supposed to protect her y’know.”

Rae nodded understanding, “I’ve always been real protective of her, she’s always been the quiet sort, never the first to make conversation type and definitely not stand up for herself” Finn said his tone becoming serious.

“But lately she’s really come out of her shell, and that’s because of you, Rae…I guess she has a new hero” he shrugged looking down.

“Finn…” Rae said softly.

“I’m no hero, trust me..Lily and I just have the same issues..you’re her big brother you will always be her hero..” Rae smiled softly at him.

“And you are amazing with her, Finn, after that day I met you, she went on a full scale rant about you, and how on several occasions you would stay home because she had a bad day, and would listen to music or watch movies to make her feel better, and that she owes her music knowledge to you..”

“And..to.. to tell you the truth, after I heard that, it..it made me see you differently..” Rae trailed off.

Finn furrowed his brows, “What do you mean?”

“Well, you know..you were with Stacey so..I just thought maybe you were..” Rae stopped not wanting to finish.

“That I was knob..” Finn answered her.

Rae bit her lip ashamed and nodded.

“But that was before I knew you, but you’re not a knob..you’re _definitely_ not.”

“I really shouldn’t have thought that about you but I’m just sort of conditioned to think that way because of past experiences but I am trying to get better.”

Finn took in what she said for a moment, knowing it had to do with bullying, “Don’t worry about it, I would have thought that too, especially because of how Stacey really is, I’m so sorry, Rae.” his eyes softened.

“What are you apologizing for, you didn’t do anything.” she chuckled a little trying to lighten the mood.

“I..just…for the way she treats ya, I would have never been around her if I knew she were like that, you don’t deserve it..you deserve so much better..the best” he spoke sincerely.

“Thanks, Finn..” Rae nearly whispered.

“Rae, I..do you think..maybe you’d wan-“

“Hey guys!” Izzy said cheerfully as she walked up to Rae and Finn.

Finn cleared his throat offering Izzy a weak smile.

Rae continued to look at Finn a beat more wondering what he was going to ask, when his eyes met hers again she smiled and looked up at Izzy.

“Hey, Iz”

“Me and Chop saw you guys through the window on the way to the pub, he’s ordering some chips now” she pointed behind her.

Rae nodded in response then looked down realizing she hadn’t eaten any of her chips and Finn hadn’t eaten any of his food either.

“Wait, are you guys on a date?” Izzy squealed her hands clasping together.

Finn and Rae looked at each other, but before either could answer Chop sat in the open seat on Finns right, mumbling something about getting drunk.

Izzy went around and by Rae nudging her a little when Finn and Chop fell into talking about the car Chop was working on as they both ate.

“Were you guys on a date?” Izzy whispered to Rae.

“I don’t think so” Rae said.

“Well, did he pay for your food, hold the door open for ya, or hold your hand?” Izzy whispered quickly to Rae.

“Um..” Rae thought for a moment.

Rae took a chip off her plate and nervously ate it, wondering if she was on some kind of date, he definitely was holding her hand, but would he have still held it when they got outside of his house, and he was the one who wanted to go to the chippy, but he could have just been hungry, but he invited her along, well, more like just told her, but they were supposed to go to the pub together. He did hold the door open and pay for her food, but does that really qualify as a date?

Rae ate another few chips not registering Izzy waiting for a reply.

“Rae, can you come with me to the bathroom I need help with something” Izzy said loudly and way to obvious.

“Su-sure” Rae said.

The two boys looked at them Chop oblivious and Finn giving them a small smile then returned talking to Chop.

-

“Rae, are you okay?” Izzy asked when they entered the bathroom.

“I..I don’t know” Rae said bringing her hand to rest on her forehead.

“Did you just realize you were on a date with Finn?” Izzy smiled.

“That’s just it, I don’t know..I mean yeah, he paid for my food and held the door open for me and he did sort of hold my hand..but I don’t know” Rae rambled.

“Okay, calm down but it kinda sounds like a date..” Izzy trailed off.

“No, no I don’t think so Iz, he’s just a nice guy and I babysit his sister he’s just being friendly..” Rae tried to assure Izzy and herself.

“He doesn’t like me like that, no, no way” Rae shook her head.

“Rae, what is there not to like about you, you’re beautiful, clever and funny and love music just as much as him, trust me, he likes you” Izzy said firmly.

“Don’t tell me that Iz, I don’t want to be awkward around him, especially if he doesn’t fancy me” Rae groaned.

“Rae, it will be fine.” Izzy laughed.

“Now let’s go back out there” Izzy smiled.

“Great” Rae said sarcastically.

Izzy laughed opening the door, Rae following her out, as they walked back to the table Rae took a deep breath and decided to just relax and see where this thing with Finn was going, because if he did _liked_ her it would be nice to tell him the feeling was mutual.

-

“You two ready?” Chop asked standing.

“Yep” Izzy grinned walking around to Chop.

“Are you ready Rae, did you eat enough?” Finn asked still sitting.

“Yeah, I’m good” she smiled at him.

He smiled and stood, “thanks again” Rae said.

“Of course, Rae-Rae” Finn grinned at her.

Rae smiled and rolled her eyes at his name for her before walking past him to catch up with Izzy and Chop who had already left the chippy.

Rae went to push the door open when something brushed by her, she turned her head to see Finn’s arm extending out to push the door open, she looked at him with a small surprised smile as he held the door open with a soft smile, he motioned for her with his other hand after a beat for her to pass through the open door, “thanks” she said softly.

Finn followed shortly and they turned left in sync walking towards the pub there hands brushing against one another with each step.

“So, erm do you..uh drink?” Finn asked

“I never really drank before, I’ve had a sip of wine but that’s it really.” Rae shrugged.

“You?” she asked looking over at him.

“Yeah, mostly Fosters”

Rae nodded, “so, do you know what Archie is singing?”

“No, he kinda likes to keep it a surprise” Finn chuckled.

“Oh right” Rae laughed.

“So..uh what are you doing tomorrow?” Finn shyly asked.

“Aren’t we supposed to go to Rutlands?” Rae furrowed her brows.

“Oh yeah, right…that’s right” Finn said thinking for a moment.

“Do you know where it’s at?” He asked.

“No, but aren’t we meeting at Chops?”

“Yeah, do you know where that’s at?” he smiled at her.

“No.” she chuckled.

“Right, well how about I come over to yours and we can go together?” he smiled raising his eye brows in question.

“Sure, but do you know where I’m at?” she laughed.

“No, but I’m sure I’ll find out when I walk you home.” he gave her toothy grin.

She stopped to look at him, his smile really was panty dropping worthy, and on top of his good looks he was sweet and kind, who knew people like him really existed, “Alright then” she smiled.

Finn gave a firm nod and the pair continued to walk a few more paces until getting to the pub, Finn opened the door for Rae both sharing a little smile as she walked in.

The duo walked over to the table Chop, Izzy and Chloe were already sat at.

“Where’s Arch?” Finn asked as he pulled out a chair for Rae on the inside of the table.

Rae moved in front of Finn placing her left hand on his right forearm giving it a gentle squeeze as a thank you, before sitting.

“He’s hacking his guts out probably” Chop said as Finn sat in the chair next to Rae.

“Hiya, Rae, Hi Finn” Chloe smiled at the pair.

“Hiya” Rae smiled.

“Hey” Finn nodded.

“What happened?” Finn asked.

“Drank a little too much, nerves I guess” Chop shrugged.

“Right, my shout, Fosters for Finn, Raemundo what are ya drinking love?” Chop asked.

“Um..not sure don’t really drink” Rae shrugged.

“How about you can take a sip off everyone’s then decide” Izzy spoke up.

“Su-sure..is that alright” she looked at everyone.

“Of course” they said and nodded.

“So what were you two doing before?” Chloe asked Rae with a knowing look, Rae figuring Izzy mentioned it.

“Um, we just went for some food” Rae smiled softly.

“Here he is.” Finn said from beside Rae, she looked over to see Archie coming to the table.

“Hey” he said nervously.

“What happened, mate” Finn smirked at Archie.

“I think I made a wrong choice in the direction I went”

Finn slapped Archie on the back, “come on mate, can’t be that bad”

“Since when have you ever supported my choices musically” Archie asked in disbelief.

“That’s not the point, I’m ya mate, I’m here to support anything you do” Finn grinned at Archie.

“Even if it’s making a fool of myself?”

“Especially then” Finn chuckled.

Just then Chop came back with the drinks and past them around, Archie opting for water now, to stay hydrated so he went to the bar.

“Liquor before beer” Chop said.

“Otherwise you will get sick Raemundo..Chloe you first then Izzy and me and Finn”

Rae took a sip of Chloe’s vodka coke and shook her head, Izzy passed her her fruity drink and Rae shook her head, “too sweet”

Chop past her his snakebite and black, “it’s alright” she smiled passing it back.

Finn slid his over to her with a little smile his fingers still griping the glass when she wrapped hers around it, she gave him a little smile and he released his grip, she took a sip, “s’alright too.”

“But I think the snakebite” she smiled.

“Snakebite it is” Chop said happily making his way back to the bar.

“Surprised you didn’t go for the fruity drink” Finn teased.

Rae rolled her eyes nudging him with her shoulder to which he chuckled.

“Do I look like a fruity drink girl” she smirked.

Rae watched as Finn took her in his eyes linger a second longer on her chest.

“No..” he said softly when he brought his eyes back to hers swallowing thickly.

“Finn….Finn”

Rae broke eye contact with Finn to see who was calling him.

Finn cleared his throat turning to Chop, “Come on let’s go check on Archer, you need to talk him up”

Finn nodded and got up following Chop towards the beer garden where he said Archie had ducked to.

“What was that?” Chloe asked stunned.

Rae turned from watching Finn walk off , “what was what?” she asked innocently.

“Do be coy with me, you guys are really into each other” Chloe said letting out a chuckle.

“Are you dating?” she asked.

“Ahem, um..no” Rae answered.

“Just friends with benefits then?” Chloe asked.

“No!”

“I just babysit his sister” Rae said in shock.

“Well, it looks like he wants you to babysit him” Chloe wiggled her eyebrows.

“See told you” Izzy grinned.

Rae rolled her eyes and took a large drink of her snakebite that somehow appeared in front of her, clearly too lost in Finn to know when it happened.   

 “So were you guys on a date?” Chloe asked.

Rae fake laughed, “No.”

“Can we please stop talking about this” Rae whined childlike, she didn’t know what was going on with Finn and didn’t want to be embarrassed if it was nothing, but then again if others noticed, maybe there was something there.

“I’m just saying is all..” Chloe put her hands up in defense.

“Here they come” Rae said quickly.

Rae picked up her drink as Finn sat back down next to her, “alright girl?” Finn asked with a devastatingly beautiful smile.

“Mhmm” she hummed.

Rae finished off her snakebite setting her glass down on the table, after a moment she started to feel a little queasy.

She rested her head on her hand for a moment try to take deep breaths,

“Rae, Rae you okay?” she could hear Finn asking, his hand on her back comfortingly.

She nodded as she continued to take deep breaths, “Um..I.I’ll be right back” she said as she made to stand. Finn stood up with her one hand on her back the other on her right forearm helping her.

“I got it” Izzy said standing, she walked around the table taking the place of Finn.

Chloe got out as well helping Rae to the bathroom, once they made it through the bathroom Rae went directly into a stall and proceeded to toss the contents of her stomach.

She could hear the worried calls of Chloe and Izzy echoing in the background.

“I think I need to lie down” she mumbled.

She sat on her knees for a moment collecting herself, she stood and opened the door coming out of the stall making her way to the sink to rinse her mouth out.

“Rae, are you alright do you feel better?” Izzy asked rubbing her back.

Rae nodded as she gargled the water, she spit into the sink and gargled some water two more times before wiping of her mouth with a paper towel.

“Was it something you ate?” Izzy asked.

Rae leaned back against the sink, “I’m not sure” Rae sighed.

A few minutes passed, “I think I’m just going to head home”

“That’s a good idea, Rae, you need to lie down and maybe take something” Izzy worried.

“Yeah”

Rae pushed of the sink Izzy opening the door for her, Izzy linked her arm through Rae’s as they walked back to the table where Chloe and Chop were waiting, Rae didn’t even realize Chloe was no longer in the bathroom.

“Hey guys, sorry I’m just gonna go home, can you tell Finn and Arch I’m sorry” Rae said softly then took a step away.

“No, Rae wait, Finn.-“

“Just tell him I had to go” Rae sighed but needed to leave as she was feeling sick again and want  to humiliate herself in front of Finn.

“No but Rae..”

“Feeling better, girl”

Rae felt Finns hand on her shoulder and turned around to see his soft eyes and a worried face.

“Mhmm” she hummed trying to calm herself.

“You need to get home and lie down.” he smiled softly at her.

“Ahem, uh yeah I was just headed out, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She smiled weakly at him, she turned around feeling a little unsteady on her feet; she stilled to compose herself a moment taking a deep breath readying herself for the long truck home.

She took a step forward and felt a hand in hers she looked down to see it was Finn’s as he laced his fingers through hers, she looked up and saw Finn talking to Chop but all she caught was ‘be back in a bit.”

Finn turned smiling at her and tugged on her hand to start walking towards the exit, Finn pushed the door open with his right hand and stepped out his left hand still intertwined with her right, once outside the crisp air felt refreshing and she took in a deep breath.

“Finn, you don’t have to walk me home..” she said softly.

“I’m not” he said shaking his head.

“I’m driving you” he grinned dangling keys in front of her.

“I borrowed Archers car, I figured you needed to lay down and you can’t walk home” he smiled.

“Oh, thanks” she smiled bashfully at him.

Finn nodded his head in the direction of Archie’s car, he released Rae’s hand opening the door for her helping her ease into the passenger seat, he shut the door and swiftly walked around to the driver side.

When he got settled and started the car he looked over at Rae who was resting against the head rest her eyes closed. Rae was concentrating on breathing when she felt pressure on her thigh, at first she thought she was imagining things, until she realized something was being trace out,

O-K?

She opened her eyes and looked over at Finn who was worrying his bottom lip, “Yeah”

He gave her a weak smile then put the car in drive and slowly pulled out into the road.

Rae quietly gave him directions to her house. Finn pulled in front of her house turning the car he got out quickly jogging around the car to get the door for Rae. He opened the door extending his right hand out for her, she placed her left hand in his and stepped out of the car. He tightened his grip around her hand and shut the door before slowly walking her to her door.

“Thanks Finn” she said softly before unlocking her door.

“Do you need help, is someone home” Finn fretted.

Rae shook her head, “It’s okay I’ll be fine” she said opening the door and stepped in.

Rae felt Finns arm around her waist and heard the door shut, “let me just help you upstairs at least Rae.”

Rae nodded not feeling in the mood to protest; when they got to the top of the stairs Rae stopped, “I um.. just going to go to the bathroom” she said pointing at the door to her left.

“Alright, Um, I’m going to go get you some water” he said, Finn waited until Rae shut the bathroom door before hurrying downstairs to the kitchen.

When Rae shut the door to the bathroom she sighed leaning against it. She got her toothbrush and brushed her teeth trying not to think about how she talked to Finn smelling of vomit. She groaned as she spit into the sink. Luckily her pajamas were in the bathroom so she took the opportunity to change. She left the bathroom and made her way to her room, she opened the door and turned the light on, then heard footsteps coming down the hall. She pulled down the duvet and sat on her bed as Finn entered her room he walked to her handing her a glass of water.

“Feeling any better?” he asked as he sat down next to her.

Rae pulled the glass away from her lips, “Much, thank you, I’m sorry to be so much trouble”

“You weren’t and you can’t help being a lightweight” he teased.

“Very funny, Finnley” she smirked at him

“Come on you need to lie down” Finn said as he stood up.

Rae scooted up and lifted her legs up on the bed Finn helping to cover her with her duvet.

Rae smiled tiredly at Finn as he brought the duvet up to just under her chin, she brought her left arm out of the covers and placed her hand on Finns arm, “Thank you, for everything” she spoke softly.

“Anytime Rae-Rae” Finn whispered back with a little smile, he leaned down giving her a lingering kiss on the cheek.

“Get some sleep, I’ll call you tomorrow” he said softly after he pulled away.

Rae nodded and watched him as he walked towards her door, he turned to shut the light out shooting her a quick wink before flipping the switch and shutting the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentions of bullying, self harm

The next morning Rae woke up to the annoying beep of her alarm clock, she rolled over slamming her hand down to turn it off. She groaned still feeling tired from the day before but her queasiness was gone, she got out of bed and headed downstairs to take her tablets the standard routine.

As she was opening the plastic bottle she caught the warning label on the side, warning against drinking alcohol while taking them. She sighed knowing now it was the combination of her pills and alcohol that made her sick and almost humiliate herself, so that meant no more drinking.

 

She took her tablet then went back upstairs to her room. She lay down on her bed thinking about Finn, about how he sort of held her hand, how he paid for her food, how easily they chatted back and forth, she wasn’t sure what direction all his actions were headed, he could have just been nice, because he is nice. She was in uncharted territory, not sure what is really happening between them but whatever was happening with Finn, would be a lie unless she told him the truth about her, about what she went through. It wasn’t fair not to keep something of such a serious nature from him.

She got up looking around her room for some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom to shower. She discarded her clothes and reached in the shower to turn on the water and waited for the water to warm up, she turned to face the mirror, something she was still becoming comfortable with, she ran her hand delicately along her thighs feeling the difference in texture; she ran her finger along her longest scar while taking a deep breath. As the room began to fill with steam she wiped a stray tear off her cheek and then stepped into the shower.

She was dressed and brushing out her hair when the phone rang, she went into her mum’s room picking up the receiver,

“Hello?”

“Rae?”

“Yeah, hey Lily what’s up?” Rae asked concerned, she had never called Rae directly.

“Last night I got invited to my one friend Abby’s birthday party, its boy girl, aaand..” she drawled.

“Aaaand” Rae teased.

“Alright..well, Kyle is going…and I kinda wanna wear something a little more girly and I didn’t know who else to ask to help me” Lily sighed.

“I’d love to help Lily, but I dunno much about fashion.” Rae said woefully.

“That’s okay Rae, I just need someone whose not my mum to say how adorable I look..” Rae chuckled she could just sense the eye roll.

“Well, alright then, when did you wanna go shopping?” Rae asked.

“I was hoping today?”

Rae knew the gang was supposed to meet at Rutlands today but she didn’t have it in her to say no to Lily.

“Alright, I’ll come over about noon, does that work?” Rae asked.

“Yes, I’ll tell mum, Thank you so much Rae!” Lily squealed down the line.

“It’s alright” Rae chuckled.

“Oh and Rae, can you not tell Finn, I don’t want him to tease me, I know it’s all in good fun but still, I’m nervous enough.”

“Just between me and you” Rae assured Lily.

“Thanks Rae”

“Um, Lily is Finn there..can I talk to him?” Rae’s voice became nervous.

“Yeah, he’s here hold on”

“FIIIIINNN!”

Rae held the receiver away from her ear as Lily shouted after Finn.

“Here he is Rae, Thanks again” Lily said.

“Alright, girl?” Finn asked.

“Hey, yeah I’m good”

“Feeling better?”

“Yep, much..listen I know we are supposed to be meeting at Rutlands today but something came up so just tell the others sorry for me yeah?” she asked in one quick breath wanting to get it all out.

“Oh..um..sure, is everything alright?” he asked concerned.

“Yeah, everything is great I just have to do something”

“Right, well, see you later at the pub maybe?” His voice filled with hope.

“Sure..”

“Alright then laters, Rae”

“Finn..”

“Yeah..”

“Thanks again for last night..” she said shyly.

“S’alright girl”

There was a silence on the phone for a beat.

“I really hope to see you later Rae.” he said his voice sounded pleading.

“You will..Bye Finn” she said softly then hung up the receiver quickly.

Rae sat on her mum’s bed for a second thinking about how she was going to tell Finn about her past, she knew they were getting closer and this unhinged feeling inside her kept pressing the issue of wanting to tell him what happened to her but the fear of the unknown was also weighing against not wanting to tell him for fear of how he might react.

She looked at the clock on her mum’s bed side table and still had about an hour to kill until she would leave to walk to Lily’s. She decided to head down to the kitchen and make something quick to eat and flip through one of her mums magazines in hopes of getting all the knowledge of a fashion guru in an hour. Wishful thinking.

-

She nibbled on her toast as she scanned the pages full of crop tops and miniskirts, she wasn’t sure what was appropriate to wear to a birthday party as she hadn’t been to one since she was little, once she hit preteens the idea of friends kind of just went out the window.

Flipping through the pages of magazines wasn’t something she normally would do, she was getting better but was still body conscious and knew that she wouldn’t look that way in the dresses being modeled, she sighed closing the magazine hoping that shopping with Lily would go well, she was all too familiar with going into a shop and it not having a big enough size for her.

She walked over to Lily’s showing up just five after noon Lily was impatiently waiting Rae’s arrival, she swung open the door before Rae even made it to the top step.

“RAE’S HERE BYE MUM!” Lily shouted back into the house.

“Excited are we?” Rae chuckled.

“Yeah” Lily sighed cheerfully.

Rae and Lily walked to town chatting, well, Rae listened mostly as Lily had had a real mood change since the day before. Rae was surprised that Lily hadn’t run out of breath yet she was talking so much. Rae listened with a smile on her face happy that Lily was happy and that even though she was having a rough time with some of the girls especially Macy, for the most part she was friends with a few of the other girls.  

They got to the first shop and immediately Lily began filing through racks of clothes, she would hold up options and Rae would either give her a scrunched no, or a maybe, knowing that Lily would have to try it on for her to come to a definitive decision.

Lily took the first few options into the dressing room, Rae was tapping her fingers on her knee looking around the store waiting for Lily to come out so she could give her an opinion.

Rae was wondering what was taking Lily so long when she heard a sniffling.

She stood up and walked over to the changing room door and knocked lightly.

“Lily, are you alright?” Rae asked in a concerned voice.

She heard Lily sniff hard, “I can’t do this, I’m too fat”

“Lily, you are perfect. Open the door” Rae said softly.

“No” Lily cried.

“Lily, it’s okay, just open the door”

Rae waited and could hear Lily still crying but the latch on the door was undone and the door opened a little, Rae opened the door to find Lily sitting with her head in her hands facing away from the mirror. Rae sat down next to Lily pulling her into a side hug. Rae calmed her with soothing words.

“I can’t dress girly Rae, I’m too big…I look ridiculous” she sobbed from behind her hands.

“Lily, you can dress any way you want, you not too much of anything to do what you want to do.” Rae spoke softly.

Lily stood up abruptly and gestured over her dress she had on, it was this pink fitted dress that had a scalloped embroidered hem.

“Lily, it’s not that bad” Rae said.

“How can you say that Rae, look how much my stomach pokes out” She gestured to down over herself.

“Okay, what we need to do is dress you for your body shape, maybe something that’s not fitted if that’s not what you’re looking for okay..so you change and I’ll go look for other options”

Lily nodded as Rae stood, “remember Lily you’re perfect the way you are” Rae softly smiled.

Lily gave her a weak smile in return as Rae shut the door.

Rae sighed when she walked back out onto the main floor of the store, there were not many options that could work for Lily’s body shape, Rae would know because they were similar in shape, except Rae had cripplingly large assets but Rae knew to keep to nothing fitted.

Lily came out of the changing room and looked around slightly embarrassed, Rae caught they sales woman offer a sympathetic smile, that was the last thing Lily needed, so Rae offered they try another store and Lily agreed in relief.

As they walked a few blocks to find another store Rae took the opportunity to cheer Lily up.

“Lily, I know how you feel with clothes and how they fit..but I want to tell you something that helps me and maybe it will help you” Rae said warily.

“What?” Lily asked her head still down as they walked.

“Instead of finding a flaw in you when you try on clothes, find the flaw in the clothes, like the dress you tried on was the color of pepto bismol and I may not be a fashion expert but the hem was all wrong for a fitted dress”

Rae ducked her head when she heard Lily snort a laugh, “It was the color of pepto, huh”

“Yeah” Rae nodded with a smile.

“Thanks Rae” Lily bumped her shoulder to Rae.

Rae and Lily walked into the next store both with hopeful smiles, Lily took her time sorting through the racks, she picked a few options and took them into the changing room when she came out she would tell Rae what she did and didn’t like about each dress she tried on, both laughing at comments on what was wrong with each outfit.

Rae knew that there wasn’t much of a selection for bigger girls, it was like the designers took the smaller sizes of the same product and just added more material, so the pieces wouldn’t fit in the way they should.

Rae and Lily left that store laughing, Rae couldn’t remember having this much shopping ever, she thought it was almost like one of those stupid girly shopping comedies and there should be a song playing in the background while they shopped, trying on silly hats and boas.

When they walked into the next store Lily spotted a deep purple skater dress with three quarter length sleeves and a high neckline, she held it up and Rae nodded happily.

Rae was looking through the racks of clothes and pulled out a red dress that was fitted and had cut out panels on the sides, when she heard cough.

She turned around and saw Lily with a bashful smile, “I think you found the one” Rae smiled.

“Yeah?”

“Yep..definitley” Rae smiled.

“Are you going to try that on?” Lily nodded to the dress Rae had in her hand.

“Hmm..oh no” Rae shook her head and tried to put it back on the rack.

“Why not, try it on Rae”

“No, no..I couldn’t..besides we’re here for you” Rae said.

“Please Rae”

“I wouldn’t look…no I can’t wear something like that..”

“Why?” Lily asked with a little smirk raising her eyebrow.

Rae shook her head knowing Lily was using her own words against her, “You win” Rae smiled shaking her head, she picked the dress back up and head to the dressing room along with Lily who was in the stall next to her to change out of her dress back into normal clothes.

Rae turned away from the mirror as she undressed, she took a deep breath looking at the dress on the hanger in front of her, she sighed and then pulled the dress over her head, she pulled it down and smoothed it out, the only thing this dress did was make her boobs look pretty amazing, but the cut out panels, and how fitted it was made her cringe a little, plus it was a little on the short side, if she sat down her scars would definitely show, but she knew she had to keep a brave face for Lily. She opened the door to show Lily but she wasn’t waiting, Rae furrowed her brows she knows she heard Lily leave the stall next to her, she walked out of the changing area into the store and could see Lily talking to Finn.

Rae was having a minor panic attack and thought it best to just quietly sneak back into the changing room but before she could turn around Lily was gesturing to Finn and he turned full body facing her.  

She sucked in her lips and moved to stand behind a rack of clothes as Finn and Lily walked over.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Rae asked, with a trembling smile.

“Was just passing with the gang headed to the chippy and saw Lily, came in to see what was up..is this why you couldn’t hang out?” he smiled.

“Oh, right..yeah it is”

“How was Rutlands?” Rae asked quickly, she didn’t want to be rude and tell Finn to leave because she was embarrassed for him to see her like this so she figured if she asked questions she could get to a good point to tell him that she would see him later, maybe.

“It was alright..boring.” he shrugged.

“Rae, I’m going to go look at shoes.” Lily said clearly uninterested by Rae and her brother’s conversation, Rae nodded and Lily sauntered off in the direction of the shoes.

“Boring how?” Rae asked.

“Because you weren’t there.” he smiled looking up at her through his lashes.

She gave him a huge tight lip smile, rolling her eyes.

“Rae, what about these?” she heard Lily ask

Rae momentarily forgot about what she was wearing and stepped out from behind the rack of clothes to look around Finn at what Lily was holding up. She shook her head no with a little scrunched up smile then turned her attention back to Finn.

He was looking her up and down biting his lower lip and she noticed his face a gone a little red.

She cleared her throat and watched as his eyes slowly drug up her body his eyes lingering on her chest before meeting her gaze, then he cleared his own throat.

“So, uh..we better finish up here, I’ll see you later?”

“Definitely.” Finn he said his voice coming out huskier than she’s ever heard, biting his lower lip he nodded.

Rae was caught off guard when he abruptly leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, he held her left arm gently in his right hand as he did so and before he pulled away completely he whispered, “Be a shame not to buy that dress.” he gave her a wink and turned away shouting a ‘laters’ to Lily.

Rae’s eyes followed him as he exited the store, trying to collect herself and her thoughts wondering if that actually happened or if her imagination was running wild.

“Rae…Rae..are you okay?”

Rae shook out of her thoughts and looked down to Lily.

“Huh..what?” she asked clearly to distracted by another Nelson to hear this one.

“I said are you okay…you look a little flushed”

“I’m fine..I’m going to go change out of this ridiculous dress.” she laughed.

“Alright.” Lily shrugged.

Rae got in the dressing room and counted to ten to try and calm the pounding of her heart, she wasn’t having a panic attack she was having some sort of lust attack, she wasn’t sure what the exact definition of eye fucking was but what she was feeling must be close, she was sufficiently turned on and her next stop was gushington central.

_That was definite flirting, did he really like what he saw, could he really like me in that way, and could he actually like my body._ These thoughts were swirling around in Rae’s mind when Lily knocked on the door asking if she was alright, Rae told her she was fine and got changed quickly, she looked in the mirror and told herself, “You have to tell him.”

Rae and Lily went to one more store to look for shoes, much of Rae’s thoughts were on Finn and how things would change when she told him, she wondered if it would affect their friendship or how he’s been acting towards her, showing that he likes her, fancies her. She wasn’t even sure if that is what was going on, but either way something would change, and she was terrified to find out what.

Rae walked Lily home and was guilty of half-heartedly listening to her, when they got back Lily thanked and hugged Rae and went in to show her mum what she got.

It was still fairly early so she headed home for a bit to wait and think of ways to tell Finn about how she hurt herself and her time in the mental home, or how she still sees a therapist twice a week. As she approached her house Finn was waiting leaning up against his scooter his arms crossed over his chest. Could he make it any harder on her, she was trying to be open and honest with him and the way he was standing there looking at her with a smirk, well she was about to do something which required no talking what so ever and may possibly even be considered a sex crime.

“Hey, girl” he grinned standing up straight.

“Hey.” she said as he leaned in kissing her on the cheek.

“What are you doing here?” she asked as she gestured for him to come to the door, the last thing she needed was for her nosy neighbor to peek out the window.

“There has been a slight change in plans.” He said following her into the lounge.

“Oh, so no pub?”

“Tea?” she asked as Finn sat down.

“Nah, I’m alright, thanks”

Rae sat down, her back against the arm of the couch she picked up a pillow setting in her lap as one does when they are larger, “Okay so tonight?”

“Tonight we are going to a party instead” he smiled raising his eyebrows.

“We are..are we?”

“Yep, Chops parents left town last minute for somethin’ I can’t remember..so he’s having a party”

“Nice” Rae laughed.

“So you up for a party, girl?”

“Umm…yeah..” she nodded. She figured she would have to wait one more day to tell Finn at least she had time to come up with ways to tell him.

Finn furrowed his brows, “you sure your up for it..we don’t have to go if you don’t want..”

“No..no its fine..I was just..er..thinking about what I had to wear…laundry day and all that” she laughed nervously at her own stupid remark.

“Oh..well, did you happen to buy anything today..a dress maybe?”

Rae opened and closed her mouth willing herself to speak, but the way Finn was biting his lip, his dark eyes boring into her she began to feel flustered, “uh..no..nothing” she managed to mutter out.

“Pity…” he sighed.

Rae let out possibly the girliest giggle she could ever recall making, “Um okay” she smiled nervously.

“So, yes then on the party?”

“Y-yes..what time?”

“Chop wants the gang their early so about 7.”

“Alright..well, um I’ll see you there then” she smiled, pushing her shoulder up to her ears.

“I’ll pick you up?”

“Er, no that’s alright I think I’ll call the girls and see if they want to maybe get ready together.”

“If you’re sure” he raised his eyebrows in question.

“Yeah..” she breathed.

“Alright then”

Rae made to stand but Finn continued on, “So did Lily get anything today?”

Rae got comfortable again, “yeah she found something” Rae smiled happily.

“So she said she got invited to a birthday party…is that Kyle lad going to be there”

“Why do you wanna know?” Rae gave him a sly grin.

“No reason” he said his voice going up in pitch.

“Finn…she’s nearly 13 she’s going to take an interest in boys it will be fine..”

“I know what guys are like at that age..maybe I should talk t—“

“No, No! Don’t do that…I know you are her big brother and protective of her..but the last thing she needs is for her brother to talk to her about guys..you will embarrass her to no end.”

“What if I just tell her t-“

“How about I’ll talk to her..okay, and I’ll mention…you know if she had issues with any boy’s to go to you for that..alright”

“Yeah..alright” Finn nodded and relaxed back into the sofa.

Rae laughed watching him settle back down, “it’s nice that you’re so protective of her really.”

Finn nodded, “I know she was having a rough time of it..but it was more than what she was letting on.”

“She’s getting better at talking about how she’s feeling..and school for her has not been as bad as it was in the past..so that’s looking up..”

“You’re really good at talking to her..relating to her..is it er..because you went through something similar.”

Well, she wasn’t expecting the conversation to go this way but she wasn’t surprised that it did, it was now or never, he had asked, the subject was casually brought up it wasn’t forced or random.

Rae sighed heavily and nodded, “Yeah, I did go through something kind of similar..but the outcome for me is something I will never allow Lily to experience..ever.”

Finn stayed silent and Rae was grateful, she looked down fiddling with her fingers, “I um..last year I was -“ Rae was cut off by the sudden shrill of the phone.

She got up making her way to the hall to answer the phone, it was Izzy asking if she wanted to go to her house to get ready and if it was alright to invite Chloe, Rae told Izzy she would be there with in the hour.

“Sorry that was Izzy.” Rae said sitting back down but not getting comfortable again.  

Finn nodded, “What were yo-“

“Um, I have to meet Izzy at her house in a bit so I guess I better go look for something to wear” Rae said as she stood giving Finn his cue to leave.

“Oh, right yeah sure.” Finn stood up looking a bit dazed.

Rae walked Finn to the door he stepped out as she held it open, he turned to her, “What you were going to say..” he trailed off.

“We will talk another time” she faintly smiled.

Finn smiled then leaned in pecking her on the cheek as he pulled away he said, “To be continued.”

She smiled and echoed his words earning her a toothy grin.

She watched him walk down her drive then gave him one last wave before he drove off, she shut the door sighing against it.

-

Rae went up to her room immediately looking through her closet for anything she could wear, she found a blue dress that she forgot she had but it seemed a little too much for a house party, but then again she’s never been to a party like this so she wasn’t sure what to the dress code would be. She continued looking and also pulled out her solid black skirt and black v neck shirt that she thought would pass as acceptable and she would feel more comfortable in it than in the dress, she pulled out her red flannel to make it a bit more casual and it would pair nicely with her red converse. She put all her things into her bag and scraped together what little make up she did have, basically it consisted of a pink lip gloss that her mum bought her once and a rather old tube of mascara that could have been her mums but ended up in her junk drawer.

She scribbled her mum a note saying she was going to Izzy’s house and would be back after she left for work.

Rae pulled on her leather jacket then made her way to Izzy’s. On the way she thought about how she came close to telling Finn, she started to get a bit panicky thinking about how he would react, especially because he is so protective of his sister. As she was going through all the possible scenarios in her head from him being okay about it to him not wanting her around anymore to him just feeling sorry for her, she found herself knocking on Izzy’s door.

“Hiya” Izzy chirped, with a bright smile.

“Hiya” Rae replied.

Izzy grabbed Rae by the hand and pulled her in the direction of her room, when the entered her room Chloe was there flipping through a magazine, she looked up and smiled at Rae, “hiya babes.” Chloe said, she put the magazine down and stood up to hug Rae.

After a brief chat about things, Izzy and Chloe dumped their makeup bags out on Izzy bed to sort through what kind of look they wanted for the night. Rae sat back feeling a little lost, she had never seen so much makeup before and wondered how to apply all of it on your face. She reached out and picked up an eyelash curler and wondered how the hell she would ever be able to curl her eyelashes without somehow poking her eye. She was opening and closing them and was unconsciously widening her eyes to see if she would be able to do it, then she felt a hand on her knee, she looked up and Chloe was smiling softly at her, “Don’t worry Rae, we will help you get sorted.”

Rae put down the eyelash curlers, “Thank you, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I don’t think I want to try to use those.” She pointed to the eye lash curler.

“Oh you don’t need to Rae, your eyelashes are naturally curled and full.” Izzy smiled.

The girls set to work getting ready for the party, Rae watched Izzy and Chloe and mimicked their actions, both helping to guide along the way. Tight lining is where the most trouble came in, so Izzy held Rae’s eye open while Chloe applied the eyeliner. Rae managed fine with applying the light dusting of gray eye shadow across her top lid and managed to apply her mascara with little mistake. Next was hair, Rae knew how to do her hair, it was something she put extra effort into because she had so much of it, so she decided to just curl the ends in soft curls. The girls got dressed, and all gave each other the once over look of approval. 

-

As they made their way up Chops drive Rae found herself feeling a little nervous, her hands were going a bit sweaty, which had never happened before, normally when she was nervous she would fidget with her hands. She took a deep breath and silently counted to ten ending right as Chloe rung the bell.

Chop answered smiling at all the girls pulling them all in for a hug and kissing Izzy. Rae and Chloe made their way to find the kitchen leaving Chop and Izzy in their own little world.

Rae quickly wiped her clammy hands on skirt as they entered the kitchen, Archie smiled brightly and greeted them as they walked to the center island where Archie stood on the opposite side.

Finn had his back to them as he was looking in the fridge, he turned around with a beer in either hand and grinned toothily at Rae, seeming to not even notice Chloe.

“Alright girl?” he asked.

She nodded and smiled, “Alright Finn?” she replied, holding his gaze.

Finn walked around the island handing a beer to Rae, the coolness felt welcoming against her hot skin, and she muttered a small thanks before tapping the top and cracking it open taking a sip hoping to settle the flutter she was now feeling in her stomach.  

She took a long swig and caught the eye of Chloe over the can, “What?” she asked.

Chloe snorted a laugh and looked at Archie who shook his head and laughed.

“Nothing, come on Arch lets go find Izzy and Chop.” Chloe said nodding towards the opposite direction.

“Yeah good idea..by the way thanks for getting my beer Finn.” Archie smirked and followed Chloe out of the kitchen.

Rae furrowed her brows watching them leave then instinctively gripped the beer in her hand realizing Finn was getting a beer out of the fridge for him and Archie, the next thing to dawn on her was that she should have not taken the beer nor have drank it, she thought it might be odd if she didn’t finish it and decided that it would be her only one of the night and hoped she wouldn’t be sick from it.

She turned back to Finn who was looking up at her through his lashes. She gave him a small smile and felt her cheeks run hot.

“Your hair looks nice.” He said, he reached his hand slowly out to touch a soft curl draping over her shoulder.

She mumbled a nervous thanks as he lightly glided the hair through his fingers and thumb.

Finn smiled tilting his head slightly to the side, Rae wondered if he could sense the nervous feeling he was giving her.

“Have a nice time with the girls?” he asked, he turned to lean back against the island resting on his elbows.

“Um..yeah it was alright..y’know just did make-up and hair..” she said playfully rolling her eyes.

Finn hummed a laugh, “not really your thing?”

“No…definitely not.” she smiled taking a sip off her beer.

Finn nodded, “How come?” he asked curiously.

“I mean, y’know…you helped out Lily..” he added.

“Well, that was mainly with clothes…but make up..I don’t know just never really became my thing..” she shrugged.

Finn nodded then took a sip of his beer, “Make up would do you no good any way…”

Rae pulled her head back furrowing her brows taken aback.

Finn chuckled hanging his head before looking back up at her, “You’re already so beautiful Rae, I don’t think you could get any more lovely..if you did well, I’m not sure my heart could handle it might hurt just looking at ya…well, more than it already does.”

Rae made a noise somewhere between a scoff and a squeak, her brain slowed down and sped up all at the same time searching for something, anything to reply with but was coming up empty.

Her mouth decided to take control of the situation and spit out, “you too..”

Finn chuckled at her as she shuddered with embarrassment, “you say the weirdest stuff sometimes..”

“You don’t think I’m weird though do you?” she asked, her voice small and vulnerable.

“No..” he said, shaking his head

Rae scoffed a laugh, “yeah..well, I am weird but like 98% of the time.” she said, then she downed the rest of her beer in one go.

She felt the air shift and could see Finn processing what she said and before he had time to question her on the matter she heard the Chop shouting about getting the party started. She turned to look out of the kitchen then back to Finn who was now standing much closer to her.

“Better go out there..”

She turned away from him wishing the situation wouldn’t have taken the turn it did, but sometimes her mouth was faster than her brain.

She was almost out of the kitchen when she felt a sudden surge of chills course through her body making the hairs stand up on her neck, she looked down to see Finn’s hand around hers, she looked up at him and could feel his breath on her cheek.

“Rae..”

“Yeah..” she said, swallowing thickly.

Finn smiled a tight line then looked away biting his bottom lip as if he was trying to work something out but all that came out when he looked back at her was, “want another beer?”

Rae shook her head and Finn released her hand, “I’ll see you out there.” She said, then walked out of the kitchen.

Rae found Izzy and asked her where the bathroom was, Izzy pointed her into the direction and Rae quickly made her way up the stairs.

As she locked the door to the bathroom she placed her hands flat against the wooden surface and counted to ten over and over until she felt calm. Admittedly she hadn’t needed to use this method so often for quite some time, but the idea of Finn possibly liking her back made her nervous. She had known for while that she fancied him, if she thinks on it she could probably pin point it to the day when they were at the record shop and he was calling her Rae-Rae. However, the idea of them being a _them_ could be over before it’s begun for a few reasons, one being the idea of him treating her differently because of what she went through, that was something she didn’t want to risk, she couldn’t bear the thought of losing him as a friend, and the most important reason being Lily, she couldn’t fathom losing Lily in the process, there was just too much risk involved, so she decided it was best to keep things as they were and this way she wouldn’t have to tell him…yet.  She thought eventually she could like if they stayed friends for a while, because then they would be in too deep. Because it’s one thing to tell a friend you are certifiably mental and a complete other to tell a romantic partner. Simply because the odds of a romantic partner telling you they can’t handle it anymore, that you are too much work and then ultimately cutting ties is far greater than a best mate leaving you.

So it was decided, she would rather have Finn in her life as a friend, she couldn’t risk finding out if they could be more than friends, she didn’t want to burden him with her issues if they were to become romantically involved only for him to leave later, resulting in a strained relationship do to the fact that Lily would be caught in the middle.

She took a few deep calming breaths and left the bathroom. When she got downstairs she realized she must have been in there a while as the house was filled and the music was pounding she got to the bottom of the stairs and looked around the moving bodies for any familiar faces.

“Rae!” Chloe squealed coming up to her.

“Where have you been?” she giggled.

“Never mind, come on let’s dance.” Chloe grabbed Rae by the hand and led her to the middle of the crowd. Rae couldn’t help but smile as she saw Chloe dancing so carefree, she laughed a bit to herself and started to move to the music, Chloe’s happiness rubbing off on her.

She and Chloe danced for a while just laughing and talking about boys, Rae mainly listening.

“I’ll be right back.” Chloe said, she lifted up her beer can and shook it indicating it was empty.

Rae stopped dancing feeling a bit out of place without Chloe being there, she started to feel a bit claustrophobic then suddenly felt an arm slide around her waist and a hot breath whispered, “You got some moves girl.”

She smiled feeling the warmth rush over her body, Finn turned her around and started to dance his arm firmly around her waist moving against her. She stilled for a moment before she started to move, Finn smiled leaning in close to her, “couldn’t let Chloe have all the fun.”

Rae couldn’t help but chuckle a laugh, then wrapped her arms around his neck as they danced in time the music. The way she felt being held by him overpowered her decision to just be his friend for now…but soon she stopped placing her hand on his chest, “I can’t” she said pushing him back slighlty.

 Chloe came back swinging her arms around Rae and Finn, “come on guys, Chop said spin the bottle now.” Chloe giggled.

Rae and Finn looked at each other, Rae broke contact and looked back to Chloe, “Come on Rae” Chloe said, pulling Rae out of Finns embrace.

Rae released her hand from Finn, he hesitated a moment before dropping his hands from around her, Rae looked at him and he looked a little put out, he was furrowing his brows and then breathed out a harsh breath, “Okay” Rae said.

Chloe shrieked her excitement and intertwined her hand in Rae’s pulling her forward slightly, “Coming Finn?” Chloe asked.

Rae looked back at him and he looked at her for a split second before turning his gaze to Chloe, “No, I’m good.”

“Okay.” Chloe shrugged and pulled Rae along.

Rae allowed herself to look back and her eye caught Finns, he shook his head and walked the opposite direction.

-

Rae was sat next to Chloe in Chops room, she hadn’t really taken the time to notice but she did now and realized Chops family must be rich, his room was massive as was his house when she thought about it. As Rae was thinking about Finn and how he looked almost offended when she left, Chop was blathering on about the rules of the game. The first few rounds passed and she managed to get by without having to kiss anyone, the only person she wanted to kiss she couldn’t.

Chloe leaned in to her, “Alright?” she asked.

“Yeah..I’m good” Rae replied with a weak smile.

Chloe looked up and nudged Rae’s shoulder with her own and flickered her eyes to the door of Chops bedroom, Rae turned her head following in the direction and saw Finn lingering by the door. She couldn’t make out his facial expression as the room was dimly lit. Rae looked back at Chloe her seeming to be the only one to notice him, “he’s been there for a bit.” Chloe said.

“I wonder why..” Rae whispered back to Chloe who in return smiled rolling her eyes.

“Eh, eh, what you two whisperin’ about over there!?”

Rae and Chloe looked to Chop and around at every one else was looking at them, Rae turned her head looking to see if Finn was still hanging out by the door, he was.

“There he is..come on Finn sit down.” Chop said.

Rae could see Finn tense up then almost sulked his way over sitting down in a space between Archie and some girl, coincidentally directly across from Rae.

“What a good time to shake things up.” Chop grinned.

“Next pair as to go into the linen cupboard in the hall for a full minute.”

That was greeted with a lot of ‘ohs’ Rae just tried her best to contain her calm as she watched Chop spin the bottle. She watched as it went round and round wondering if the torcheress moment would end and she could breathe a sigh of relief. But she found her breath catching in her throat when the bottle came to a halt clearly pointing at her.

“RAEMUNDO!” Chop bellowed.

Her immediate reaction was to look at Finn, he was looking at her but it was almost a hurt confused look, then she looked at Chloe who was wiggling her brows and before she knew it Chop re-spun the bottle, it coming to a halt on none other than Finn of course.

She looked up at Finn and he looked at her, both hesitating for a moment before he downed his beer and got up walking towards the door, Rae watched Finn unsure if he was going to the cupboard or just leaving the room, she felt a nudge and looked to Chloe who nodded in the direction of the door.

Rae quickly got up and walked over to the open door and stepped out, she looked left and didn’t see Finn, she looked right and saw him standing with the door open he nodded then walked into the cupboard. Rae softly counted to ten for what felt like the thousandth time that night as she made her way to the cupboard. She stepped in her hand gripping the handle and slowly pulled it shut.

She released the handle after hearing it click and brought her gaze to Finn. She smiled small at him and pushed her shoulders up slightly.

The space was quite large for just housing linens but Rae found Finn was a mere few inches away from her. She was about to speak but Finn spoke up first, “What’s going on Rae”

Well she certainly didn’t expect that, “W-what do you mean?”

“I mean what’s going on with you…did I do something to annoy ya?”

“No..” she said apologetically seeing his hurt expression.

“Then what is it..I mean I thought we were getting’ on..then you come up here to play this dumb game..”

“We are.. we’re fine..we’re friends..I..” she trailed off.

“Maybe…I don’t wanna be your friend Rae..” he said firmly.

Rae felt sicker than she did when she mixed alcohol with her pills, Finn didn’t want to be her friend and she hadn’t even told him about her past yet, she tried to fight the tears that were forming in her eyes, while her mouth ran away with her, “Why not?” she asked softly.

“I..” Finn started but didn’t finish, he closed the distance between him and Rae capturing her lips with his.

Rae stumbled back by the force of the kiss but was soon brought back by Finn sliding his arms around her holding her steady, Rae found her hands fisting his shirt as the kiss deepened. Rae gasped and then moaned as Finn slid his tongue in her mouth to meet hers. She was soon pressed up against the wall, Finns right hand now gently holding the back of her neck as they continued to kiss. All of Rae’s senses shut down when he kissed her, all she knew was that it felt fucking amazing. Soon she pulled away for air, but not far their foreheads now touching.

Finn slid his right hand to rest on her cheek as they regained their breath, Rae soon regained control of brain, “Rae..I…”

“I can’t do this..” Rae said placing a hand on Finns chest pushing him away from her.

“What?” Finn said breathless.

“I’m sorry..” Rae replied trying not to let her new tears fall.

She opened the door and made her way down the hall and down the stairs, she looked for her jacket and slipped it on making her way through the other party goers and out the door.

-

4 days had went by and all she did was think about Finn kissing her, she wanted it and didn’t want it, she didn’t want to experience what kissing him felt like because it would only make it hurt more, but the actual kiss itself was mind blowing.

She had managed to successfully avoid Finn, for the most part. She didn’t answer the phone and if her mum did she diverted the calls, School was easy, she knew how to stay under the radar at school. What was proving difficult at first was baby sitting after school, but Lily took up all her time there so Rae and Lily spent the entire time in Lily’s room, Rae saying she wanted to help Lily categorize all her albums, and Rae felt horrible about it but it Lily didn’t seem to notice anything off, when it was time to leave she would ask Mrs. Nelson for a ride home.

It was now Thursday and she was on her way to therapy when a scooter pulled in front of her. Finn pulled his helmet off and ruffled his hair, “Can we please talk Rae.”

“I have somewhere to be..” she replied.

“Can it wait..please..why do you keep dodging me Rae..what happened?”

“I can’t do this now Finn, I have to go..” she said stepping around him.

“Then when can we fucking do this Rae..when are you going to stop ignoring me!?” Finn huffed in anger.

“Finn, I’m sorry..I just I’m not ready to talk yet..” Rae sighed.

“What’s the issue Rae?”

Rae shook her head in frustration, she should have known things were going to come to head and she kinda sorta snapped, “There’s a big fucking issue, Finn!”

She took a step towards him, “look around you, look where you’re at.” She pointed behind her to the hospital.

Finn looked behind her then back at her, “Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go talk to my therapist.” She huffed and then turned walking away.

She heard Finn call after her but she didn’t turn around she just walked as fast as she could to the entrance of the hospital.

-

To say therapy was hard would be an understatement, she spent a lot of the time diverting the questions not wanting to talk about Finn, but she was thinking about him. When she left she was feeling no better, she hated that she snapped at him but it was just happened. She really didn’t feel like going to his house but was doing it for Lily. She got to the end of the road and made a right and found Finn sitting on the curb by his bike, “Finn..” she didn’t mean to say his name but it just sort of escaped in surprise.

He hurriedly stood up and they slowly walked up to each other, “I’m sorry.” they sighed in unison.

“Rae..what’s going on..you can talk to me..to be continued remember”

Rae sighed a smiled, hearing him say it only confirmed her knowing that he was right she could talk to him, but she had let her insecurities take over her rational thinking she couldn’t help but bounce back and forth on what to do, you never know how someone would react to something like this. 

“I know that..I do, but now I need to look after Lily, so later..” 

“Alright…well, will you at least let me give you a ride.”

“Yeah, alright..” Finn smiled nodding towards his scooter.

He handed her the spare helmet and waited for her to get on. She hesitated for a moment things were different from when she last rode the scooter with him, she hadn’t kissed him and ignored him for days. She took a deep breath and straddled the scooter resting her hands on his shoulders.

The ride to his house to flash in an instant. She got off immediately and removed her helmet, handing it to Finn. He took off his own and they stood just kind of staring at each other.

“You going to really talk to me later and not ignore me?” he asked.

“Yeah..” she spoke softly.

“Are you sure because ignoring me…that really hurt Rae..”

“I’m sorry..I didn’t mean to hurt you..” Rae choked.

“RAE!” Lily opened the door shouting excitedly.

Rae looked behind her then back to Finn, “I promise we will talk later..can you promise me something.”

“Anything..” Finn breathed.

“Just don’t treat me too differently for Lily’s sake.” Rae said then turned and walked towards Lily not waiting for an answer.

-

Rae listened as Lily talked about school and what was going on with her friends she was trying her best to focus on what Lily was saying it wasn’t until Lily mentioned something about a boy named Nick that Rae stopped her mid-sentence.

“What?” Rae asked.

“I said that Abby said that he was in the hospital that’s why he hasn’t been around he hurt himself…on purpose.”

“Was he being bullied?” Rae asked sitting up straighter.

Lily nodded woefully, then came and sat down against her bed next to Rae.

“Lily, I wanna ask you something and you have to promise you will tell me the truth.” Rae said slowly taking Lily’s hands in hers.

Lily nodded, “Have you ever hurt yourself..physically?”

“No.” Lily answered

“Not in anyway, cutting, burning yourself..with hot water maybe..anything?”

“No..never” Lily answered.

“Okay..have you ever thought about it?”

“No..I haven’t.” Lily replied.

Rae sighed in relief her eyes glistening.

“What’s wrong Rae?” Lily asked.

“I..um..” Rae sniffed back her tears.

I just knew someone similar to Nick who hurt themselves because they were bullied relentlessly..they nearly..well..and I don’t want that to ever happen to you..okay..”

“You tell me or you parents if you ever think about hurting yourself..you promise?” Rae squeezed Lily’s hands.

“I promise Rae.” Lily said then released Rae’s hands wrapping her arms around her neck.

Rae sighed hugging Lily, “You” Lily whispered.

“What?” Rae said pulling out of the hug.

“Your scars..I saw them” Lily looked away ashamed.

“Yeah..me..”

Lily lunged forward giving Rae a bone crushing hug, Rae could feel Lily’s tears on her shoulder.

“Hey it’s alright…you’re okay.” Rae soothed Lily.

“I’m just so glad you’re here and I hate that you might not have been..”

“Don’t think about that..I am here and that’s what matters.” Rae smiled.

“Thank you for everything Rae” Lily sobbed.

“It’s alright…I’m always going to be here for you” Rae said.

“I love you Rae..”

“I love you too” Rae smiled.

There was a knock on the door, Rae and Lily wiped their tears, “Yeah” Lily shouted.

The door opened and poked his head in, “Hey mum said..” he trailed off taking in the scene.

“What’s wrong” he asked, stepping in.

Lily and Rae looked at each other, “Just…it’s really upsetting how horrible your taste in music is” Lily smiled and Rae snorted a laugh.

“Oi!” Finn said picking up a stuffed bear chucking it at her.

Lily dodged it, “What do you want?” she laughed.

“Mum wants to have dinner out” Finn said.

“Okay..Rae you wanna come?” Lily looked at Rae.

“No..thanks I got something to do” Rae said then looked at Finn.

“Right..” Lily drawled.

Her and Rae both stood up, Rae grabbed her leather jacket shrugging it on then slung her back pack over her shoulder.

They trio walked down stairs, to meet Mrs. Nelson, “Ready Lily” she smiled.

“Yeah where are we going?” she asked

“Wherever you want” Emily smiled.

“What about that Indian place..I know you don’t like it Finn..” she looked at him.

“It’s just me and you love..so we can go there.”

“Oh alright..Rae do you want a ride home?” Lily asked.

“I think she’ll manage just fine..let’s go Lily.” Emily smiled looking between the three.

“Alright see you tomorrow Rae.” She said and gave her a hug.

“See you tomorrow.” Rae hugged Lily.

The door shut leaving Finn and Rae.

“So..” they both said in unison.

“Wanna go up to my room.” Finn asked.

“Suuure”

Finn nodded and headed up the stairs Rae following behind, she had never been in his room she wasn’t sure what to expect when she got in there, where would she sit or would she have to stand to tell him.

As they entered his room she found it was also similar to hers, albums and cds stacked everywhere and nearly all the same posters.

Finn turned around looking at her, “Er..should I put music on or..”

Rae shrugged, “yeah that’s cool..” she faintly smiled.

Finn walked over to his turntable and began flipping through his records for something to put on, Rae followed standing beside him, she began to flip through the crate in front of her, she laughed pulling out the Babylon Zoo album, he smiled taking it from her their fingers lingering for a moment.

“Rae..”

“Yeah..”

He took the album and set it down, “I wanna..can I do somethin’?”

“What?” she whispered

He looked away and down rubbing his ear, he then reached quickly for her hand and turned her palm facing up.

He put his index finger to the center of her palm and began to trace out words, Rae tried hard to concentrate on what he was spelling her breath catching when she fully understood what he spelled, CAN I KISS YOU?

As he finished the question mark he added, “I just..I’m not sure how this conversation is going to go and I gue—“ Rae cut him off by crashing her lips to his.

It was Finns turn to stumble back and be brought back by Rae, Rae put as much passion into the kiss as possible, it might be the last time she would get to kiss him and she wanted the memory burned into her brain. She lightly ran her hands around his waist then up his back and could feel him shiver, his hands tightening his grip on her, she ended with her left hand resting on the back of his neck while the right threaded through his hair tugging lightly causing him to what sounded like a growl low in his throat. They pulled away at the same time Finn leaning to kiss her chastely once more before sighing and resting his forehead against hers.

Rae sighed biting her lip, she looked up at him and he smiled softly at her his hands rubbing her back, she sighed, “I was in a mental home..”

She felt his hands stop and drop from her he took a step back looking at her, she could feel the tears falling, “You what…” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mentions of self harm, bullying

“You what?” those words hung in the air as a few free tears spill down her cheek.

She took a step away from him, turning around taking the opportunity to quickly wipe away her warm tears. She felt a firm hand on her shoulder, it soon slide down resting on her waist as he came into view.

 

“Rae..” Finn spoke softly.

Rae sniffed back and wiped her tears roughly, “I can’t do this I thought I could..just..sorry.” she stuttered out and turned quickly making her way out of his room.

Rae!” Finn shouted after her following down the stairs, he managed to slip past her and get to the door to block it.

“Move Finn.” She said curtly.  

“No, Rae you said we could talk and that’s what we’re going to do.” He replied forcefully.

“I..I..just…please let me leave.” She began to cry heavily, she covered her face with her hands as her sobs increased, and she felt her breaths becoming shallow.

“Rae, Rae…” she heard Finn speaking but he sounded far away.

She turned immediately to the wall by the stair case and placed her hands flat counting to ten under her breath, it was fast and impatient as she mumbled through the set of numbers. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath and she began to shake her tears flowing steadily.

She could hear her heart pounding out a fast and steady beat in her ears, she clenched her eyes shut tight and tried to take breaths in between numbers. When her breathing finally was evening out and the sound of her heart racing faded from her ears she could feel the warmth of another person pressed against her back and hands rubbing up and down her arms soothingly.

“Rae, breathe, just breathe, you’re alright.” She finally heard Finn whispering softly in her ear.

She listened to him repeat his own little mantra a few more moments before lowering her arms from the wall, she turned around and immediately wrapped her arms around Finns neck. He hugged her back tightly as she began to lightly cry again.

“It’ll be okay.” Finn spoke softly.

“Sorry.” Rae said after a few moments passed.

“There is nothing to be sorry for.” Finn said as he stroked her back.

“You want me to take you home?” he asked.

“No, its okay.”

Finn pulled out of the hug a fraction, “Please let me take you, I don’t want you walking home like this.” He pleaded his eyes glistening.

Rae smiled softly at him and couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, “No, that’s not..I mean it’s okay, I’ll stay…and talk, if you still want to that is.”

“Are you sure, don’t feel like you have to tell me anything you don’t want, I’m sorry for how I acted, I just..” he couldn’t finish as Rae interrupted him.

“No, its fine I said we would talk, so lets talk.”

“Rae, it can wait, you need to be okay, are you?”

“Yeah, I’m okay now, you helped with it..with my panic attack..” she spoke but trailed of softly mentioning her panic attack.

“Panic Attack?” Finn questioned allowed. He furrowed his brows, he bit his lower lip looking down and then back up at her.

“Di-did I cause that to happen to ya?” he asked worriedly.

She shook her head, “No, Finn—“

“Don’t say that..I did, it was me I shouldn’t have shouted at ya..I’m sorry Rae, I’m so sorry, I never want to do anything to hurt ya..” he pleaded, his eyes were threatening to spill with tears as he ran a hand over his hair.

“Finn, calm down, I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me..now let’s go back up to ya room and talk before I have to talk you down from panicking, alright.” She smiled softly.

“No, Rae, please it can wait..”

“Finn, I said we would talk and I’m ready to now..I promise I’ll tell ya if I can’t continue..alright.” she held out her hand for him, a soft smile playing on her lips.

“Alright..” he sighed, he placed his hand in hers and she pulled him up the stairs.

As they entered his room she sat them both down on the bed, she worried for a moment about where to start but she supposed it would have to be from the very beginning.

“When I was little I thought I was brilliant, that there was nothing wrong with me..but that feeling faded fast, and I soon realized that people didn’t care about how brilliant you were, they cared about how you looked…”

“I’ve always been bigger, and I didn’t know that being big would catch up with me, one day me and my mum were in the store and I was picking out a sweet, there was another girl about my age 9 or 10 next to me wanting to pick one out, but her mum wouldn’t let her…”

Rae laughed humorlessly, “I’ll never forget what she said, she told her daughter, ‘you don’t need any sweets you don’t want to look like that now do you..’ and she pointed to me, so here I was in the sweets aisle of Tesco with this lady and her kid looking at me in disgust, she said, ‘you’ll never get a boyfriend by getting fat’ then she grabbed her daughter by the hand and led her away…”

“I remember I just went up to my mum and asked her if there was something wrong with me because I was fat…she just told me that I talked more random than duck shite…”

“But then all these thoughts started to swirl around in my head..like maybe that’s why my dad left, my mums a bit bigger and his daughter was bigger….maybe he didn’t want to stick around to see me turn into a useless blob..”

“Then I started to see it, the stares, it wasn’t that many at first but then the snickers started, and I just always knew it was me who was being talked about…because I’m fat..”

“I still had a few friends but none stuck, then when I got older everything just got worse, I was constantly bullied, I had zero friends..thats when I started picking up these little habits…”

She took a breath and looked at Finn, she gave him a thin smile, “I would turn the lights on and off in divisions of eight, I had to count my steps from my room to the front door, and then of course there was binging, I couldn’t explain it, I just never felt full…”

“I was alone a lot, mum worked nights, so I really didn’t have any one to talk to..and soon the voices started, my own voice telling me I was nothing, that I was a useless blob and that’s why my dad left and why none of the kids at school liked me…that’s..uhh, that was when I first cut myself…”

Finn squeezed her hand as the words left her lips, “the voices were getting louder, I didn’t know what I was even doing until it was already done, but after I felt relived…so I did it again…other times I would burn myself in the shower with hot water..but cutting was the main source of relief…it went on for a while…”

“Then one day I just cut to deep, I can’t say if it was an accident or on purpose, I’m still not sure…mum came home and found me unconscious, she called an ambulance where they took me to the hospital, gave me a blood transfusion for the blood loss, and mum talked it over with the doctors and then they asked me about being admitted to the mental ward..so I was there for four months…”

“When I was there I made two really good friends, Tixie and Danny two hats, sometimes I even miss being there..” Rae laughed humorlessly.

“I miss them, we all had our own issues to deal with but we could come together and laugh about being crazy..but then I was released and honestly I didn’t think I’d be able to make it on my own..”

“The first few days were alright, adjusting back into a normal routine was..it was fine..mum had tried to get the carpet in my room as clean as possible, sometimes I think I don’t give her enough credit.“

"She tried to help me ease into things..but..” 

“Three days after I was released a girl who used to bully me bumped into me, started saying that she knew I was really mental and why didn’t finish the bloody job…later I found out her mum worked at the hospital I was first admitted to and I guess overheard her talking or something…”

“I didn’t allow myself to cry until I got home, I was shaking and I was holding a knife in my hand I was fighting against every urge and voice inside me telling me to cut…mum found me on the floor…”

“She calmed me down and pried the knife out of my hand..and after a bit she asked me what happened and I told her..”

“She tried to tell me that maybe only the one girl knew and that she would have a talk with the hospital on privacy acts…”

"I knew it would be no use though..”

“I knew everyone would have found out what had happened, so we talked it over and decided moved, to get a fresh start..and now I see a therapist twice a week, that’s why I was at the hospital…I’m working on getting better, it’s a long process, it’s something I will always struggle with…so that’s it..now you know the truth about me..” she sighed, she smiled weakly at Finn noticing the stray tears streaming down his face.

“Rae…I..” he croaked.

“You don’t need to say anything Finn, I told you I would tell you the truth and if that changes anything between us..well, I can’t say that I would blame you..I—“

“No, Rae..that..what you..it doesn’t, I just I’m so happy you are here..that you’ve come so far, you’re so kind and selfless, you are helping Lily while you’re struggling..I can’t even being to imagine what you went through, I’m so sorry Rae..” he held onto her hand firmly.

“I am getting better, and meeting Lily..well everybody had a lot to do with it, I met her in a similar scene as  y’know and I couldn’t just sit back and do nothing..”

“Does she..do my parents…” Finn trailed off nervously.

“Yeah, your mum and dad have known since the beginning and well, Lily figured it out only recently, she actually saw my scars and kinda put two and two together…”

“So everyone knew but me?” he asked, Rae could see the hurt pass through his face.

Rae nodded, “I couldn’t keep something like this from your parents, especially if they were entrusting with the well-being of Lily, and Lily, well she’s not daft, Finn..”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked the hurt in his voice evident.

Rae sighed taking a deep breath, “There are several reasons why, in the beginning only your parents needed to know, I mean I’m just the babysitter, you didn’t need to know anything personal about me, plus you were dating Stacey, I’m not saying you would have told her but..”

“I was not dating Stacey. I wouldn’t have said anything to her any way, Rae, do you think that little of me?” the hurt and anger in his voice filled the space between them.

“No, Finn..but I didn’t know you…and my experience with Stacey…”

“I told you I didn’t know she was like that!” he said raising his voice.

“I know Finn.” She said trying to stay calm.

“I’m not saying you would have told her, just things sometimes have a way of getting out when more people know, like what if–”

“That just the same as saying as I would have told her, Rae!” Finn raised his voice and shrugged his hand up bringing it down hard on his lap.

“You’re really mad at me for not telling you about how I tried to kill myself…can’t you see why I couldn’t..”

Finn winced at her words as her voice rose, “No, I mea—“

Rae stood up cutting him off becoming irritated, “I don’t even know why I told you, I opened up to you and was honest and here I am trying to explain to you my feelings and your yelling at me for not telling you something that is none of your business to begin with—“

“I think I have a right to know who is watching my sister, if she’s in capable hands..” he fumed.

Rae laughed humorlessly, “Right, because you wouldn’t want me to slit my wrists in front of her…” Rae seethed.

“Well, it wasn’t my wrists, I sliced up my thighs!”

She turned away from him tears filling her eyes, “Rae, wait…” she heard Finn plead after her.

She rushed down stairs and opened the front door, “Rae!” Lily shrieked excitedly.

“I have to go..I’m sorry.” She said as she pushed passed Lily and Emily.

Rae walked as fast as her feet would carry her, tears flowing steadily the whole way. She couldn’t believe that he was yelling at her for something that was none of his business, she didn’t even get to explain how when she got to know him, that she became conflicted on wanting to tell him because of how much she cherished what they had. That she didn’t want him to think different of her, pity her, or worse think she was unstable and unfit to be around Lily, which is apparently what he thought.

She fell asleep that night eyes swollen and red from crying so much, thinking maybe she got him wrong, and everything that was going on between them was some type of façade, all she knew was that she was more confused than ever.

-

The next morning she woke eyes sore and stuck together, a result from the night before, she finally looked at the clock and saw that it was going on noon, she had overslept, something she hadn’t done in a long time. She got out of bed and decided to take a hot shower hoping it would help her to relax and calm herself as she was still riled up from the night before.

She stood in the bathroom forcing herself to look in the mirror, she analyzed every stretch mark, every lump of fat, until she reached her scars, she ran her hands over them until she felt the one that almost took her life, she lightly pressed her index finger along it, “you’re here for a purpose.” She told herself.

While she was in the mental home they told her how she nearly made the biggest mistake, that she was here for a purpose; that she survived for a reason, but she always thought ‘was the mistake cutting in the first place or not cutting deep enough’. She vowed that she would never go back to that dark place, a place where she is struggling against her inner demons, the will to live versus the will to give it all up.

“You survived for a reason.” She told herself, she turned and stepped into the warmth of the water hoping it would wash away her bad thoughts.

-

Rae opened her eyes to the sound her name, “Chloe..Izzy?” she questioned as her vision came in to focus.

“Hiya.” They said in unison.

“What are you doing here?” Rae asked as she began to sit up.

She looked over at the clock and it was going on seven, the last thing she remembered was laying down writing in her diary after she got out of the shower.

“We came about Finn.” Izzy said as she sat at the foot of the bed.

Rae furrowed her brows her, “What did he tell you?” she asked curtly.

“Nothin’” Chloe spoke up surprised by Rae’s tone.

“Rae, Chop told me to come check on ya…”

“Why, I’m fine.”

“Him and Archie went to Finn’s, said he was in a bit of a state, he couldn’t get much out of him because he was crying so much, said you two a had bit of a row, we tried callin’ first…” Izzy said hesitantly.

“Did he say what we rowed about?” Rae asked calmly.

“No..” Izzy said simply.

“What happened babes..what could be so bad that you reduced Finn Nelson to a blubbering mess.” Chloe smirked trying to lighten the mood.

Rae smiled at Chloe faintly as they moved to all get comfortable on her bed. “It’s a bit of a long story so to make it short..” Rae paused to take a breath.

“I had been trying to decide whether or not to tell him something because I didn’t know how he would handle it..”

“That you like him as more than a friend.” Izzy said cutting her off.

“I don’t think that would have been a big deal Rae, he clearly is infatuated with you.” Chloe grinned.

“What..no..I..was going to tell him something personal..that could change the way he felt about me..our friendship..but I got scared..but then we kissed in the cupboard at the party and it made the decision of whether or not to tell him worse..then we had it out a bit a few days later and I knew I had to tell him, I figured I knew him well enough that he would be okay with it even if that meant we just stayed friends…”

“So last night I told him after we had a bit of another row because I got scared at first..but he was gentle and understanding, so I told him..”

“And he was okay, he was really kind about it..great in fact..but then he started asking him why I didn’t tell him in the beginning like when we first met, when other people knew…I tried to explain why..but we ended up fighting..again..” Rae sighed.

“Can you tell us what you were fighting about?” Izzy asked.

“I don’t think I’m ready to have that conversation again, Iz, sorry.”

“It’s okay, Rae..it would just be easier to figure out what to do if we knew..but it’s okay..”

“Can you tell us what was said?” Chloe asked.

Rae let out a small sigh, “sort of..after I told him the thing about me..I tried to explain why I felt I couldn’t tell him at first, but he was getting mad saying that he would have never told anyone and that I was basically saying he would of..and things kind of spiraled out of control and he said something really hurtful…I really thought he was okay but what he said, it really hurt me..maybe he’s not the guy I thought he was..”

Izzy being in the middle pulled Rae into a side hug, Chloe leaning over rubbing Rae’s knee in comfort. 

Izzy pulled out of the hug in exchange to hold Rae’s hand, “Rae, Finn really cares about, ya…otherwise he wouldn’t be in such a state..”

“Sometimes you hurt the people ya love..y’know.” Chloe said calmly.

Rae scoffed, “He doesn’t love me..at this point I don’t even know if we’re friends.”

“And how could I have hurt him, he yelled at me.” Rae said bluntly.

“Yeah, but he was upset Rae, I mean you have every right not tell him anything you don’t want, but try to see it from his side, the person you care so much about, that you’d basically do anything for is keeping apart of themselves from you…an important part..and then for some reason he felt you were of accusing him of possibly betraying your secret..which you know he would never do..” Chloe explained softly.

“I didn’t mean for it to sound like that and he didn’t even give me a chance to explain..” Rae said exhausted.

“Maybe you should just talk to him Rae…try to sort everything out, its just a misunderstanding, from the looks of it he’s not the only one who’s a mess.” Chloe said with a thin smile.

“I don’t wanna talk to him.” Rae said, she released Izzy hand and folded her arms over her stomach.

“I know your mad about whatever he said to you, I’m not excusing his behavior, but I think you need to for Lily’s sake if anyone, you don’t want her to be affected by this, and I don’t think he’s strong enough to come to you, Chop said he’s pretty tore up, he thinks you hate him, apparently Lily had a right go at him to..” Izzy chuckled.

Rae smiled hearing Lily had a go at Finn, she knew Izzy was right that she would have to be the one to talk to him, “Okay.” Rae sighed.

Rae hugged Chloe and Izzy thanking them for coming over to talk to her. She saw them to the door and then went upstairs, picking up the phone her fingers hesitated for a moment over the numbers, she took a deep breath and punched in the numbers.

She began twirling her finger around the cord as she listened to the ringing, she held her breath waiting for someone to answer.

“Hello..”

She hesitated for a moment. “H-hi Lily.” She spoke softly.

“Rae.” Lily said in surprise.

“I’m so glad you called..are you okay?..Finn is such an idiot.”

“How is Finn?” Rae asked.

“A blubbering mess..he won’t say what happened just that he fuc—effed up big time..and that you probably hate him..”

“Rae, do you hate him..are you not going to be my babysitter anymore, I swear I’ll kick him in the bollocks for hurting you..I already told him as much..did you tell him about..y’know.. is that why you gu—“

“Lily, Lily..I don’t hate him, a bit mad, but I don’t hate him…do you think you can get him to come to the phone?”

“I’ll try..Rae?”

“Yeah?”

“No matter what happens with you and my idiot brother, you’ll still be my friend right?”

“Of course I will, Lily.”

“Okay, I’ll go see if I can get him to come to the phone.”

Rae waited curling the phone cord around her fingers until they turned white, she thought about if she should invite him over so they could properly talk, but would he even want to come over, she really didn’t want to explain the misunderstandings over the phone, after a few minutes she heard some shuffling and some talking but couldn’t quite make out the voices then the line went dead.

Rae stood listening to the dead line for a moment her eyes beginning to fill with tears, she knew it was Finn who must have hung up the phone; everyone must have it wrong, _he_ hates _her_.

She gently placed the phone back on the hook and went to her room where she allowed her tears to spill, she wiped her eyes repeatedly seeming to never wipe away all her tears. She curled up on her bed hugging her pillow to herself, wondering how she got to this place. From having no friends to being in a mental home for trying to kill herself to having friends to helping out Lily to falling in love with Lily’s brother to arguing with him. She sat up a moment wondering if she really just thought that bit about being in love with Finn. She thought about all the little moments they had together, in the record shop, the ‘date’ she was replaying everything in her mind and didn’t even hear the knocking on her door until it got louder.

She got up crossing her room not expecting what she found on the other side.

“You should really keep your front door locked.” Finn croaked.

Rae took in his disheveled appearances, and his red swollen eyes, she quickly wiped her face, “What are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to see if we could talk..about you and me.”

“You hung up on me.”

“No, mum hung up on you, told me that I needed to talk to you face to face.” 

“Right..” Rae breathed, she opened her door fully and allowed him to enter her room, as he crossed over she shut the door leaning against it.

She watched as he took in his surroundings, she pushed off the door not sure what to do or say, he turned around looking at her with tears rolling down his face, “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, Rae”

“I’m sorry too.” She sighed, trying her best not to cry but the resistance was useless.

Finn crossed the room embracing Rae in a tight hug, she breathed deep relaxing into his arms, he held her tight nuzzling his face into her neck, “I’m so so sorry, Rae”

Her neck was hot and wet Finn continuing to cry as he repeated over and over how sorry he was, “It’s okay Finn..” Rae whispered back to him rubbing his back.

Finn pulled out of the hug abruptly, “It’s not okay Rae, I’m an utter dick, I should have never said that to ya..I regretted it as soon as I said it, I don’t even know why I said it,I was just upset that you felt you couldn’t trust me..” he sobbed.

“Finn, I do trust ya, I do, it’s just sometimes things get out, I told you how that one girl back home found out, then everyone knew…and don’t you remember when you first asked me about me having gone through something similar, you over heard, what if you would have known and were discussing with your mum and Stacey overhead….things happen..” she sighed.

“…And like I said I didn’t know you all that well then.”

“Rae, I wouldn’t have talked to anyone about it, it’s not my place, it’s your business..”

“And your right, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want..I just wanted to know what was hindering us from getting closer, I hated not knowing why you pushed me away, I really care about ya Rae..”

“I also..”

“I..didn’t want ya to think different about me then or now, I like ya and you’ve become a really good friend and I didn’t want to lose ya..that’s why it’s taken me so long to tell ya.”

“I was afraid of how you would react..”

“Rae, you know me..I wouldn’t have treated ya any different, I couldn’t ever think different of ya, I think the world of you, you’ve been through so much, and you’re still here, you’re hear for a reason, Rae, your life has a purpose..meaning.”

Rae started to cry hearing Finn tell her what she had only just repeated to herself that afternoon, what the doctors would tell her in hospital.

“Rae, I didn’t mean to make you cry again, I can never say the right things.” He rubbed his hands over his face roughly.

Rae stepped to him removing his hands from his face, she let them drop and held his face in her hands, she smiled softly at him, “you said the right thing.” She leaned in kissing him softly then pulled away.

“I meant what I said in the cupboard Rae, I don’t just wanna be your friend.”

Rae nodded and stepped back, she looked down, “I don’t want that either.” She chanced a look back up at him to see a grin break across his face.

“But I think we need to talk..a bit more..I know I made you feel like I couldn’t trust you, but I do..and what you said to me..”

“Rae, I know your capable, more than capable of watching Lily..I didn’t mean it..” he pleaded.

Rae nodded, “I know..but I understand why you would say it, it’s one of the things I love about you, that you’re so protective of Lily, that you would do anything for her..”

“I could say the same y’know, because it’s one of the things I love about you, I mean you cancelled hanging out with me and the gang so you could spend the day helping Lily..”

“I’ll always be there for her..” Rae smiled.

“I know.”

“So we alright?” Finn asked taking a step towards her.

“Yeah..we’re alright.” She smiled.

Finn rested his hand gently on her cheek, she smiled leaning in some Finn closing the distance between them.

Rae pulled out of the kiss first, touching her forehead to Finns, “I better call Lily..” she smiled.

“Okay..” Finn said, not even questioning why, he knew how much Lily loved Rae, he knew even before she screamed at him for making Rae cry.

Rae kissed Finn chastely then pulled out of their embrace, “No more tears girl.” Finn smiled softly wiping a stray tear.

Rae nodded in agreement, “I’ll be right back..”

She walked out of her room to the small table in the hall picking up the phone, she punched in the numbers and listened to the ringing once more, “by the way can you tell Lily she doesn’t have to kick me in the bollocks now.” He smirked.

Rae laughed, “you can tell her yourself when I’m done talking to her…and you can tell her to tell your mum your won’t be home tonight..” Rae flashed him a cheeky grin which turned into a chuckle seeing Finn’s mouth drop.

“Hi Lily.” Rae said happily.

-

When Rae and Finn finally hung up from talking to Lily, and they did mean finally, Lily had both passing the phone back and forth making sure everything was okay and was only willing to hang up when she was satisfied with their answers.

 Finn and Rae went back to her room, she put some music on keeping the volume low. Finn got into bed first laying against the wall, Rae climbed in after, both turning on their sides to face one another. They were quiet at first, Finn slid his right hand over Rae’s which was resting between them and began to play with her fingers.

She watched him nibble on his bottom lip, she knew this meant he was trying to work something out, soon his brows furrowed as he laced his fingers through hers. “What’s wrong?” she asked softly.

“We kinda talked about it earlier and we said as much..but I want to be sure.” His eyes flicked up to hers as he finished his sentence.

“Finn, what you talking about?” she asked furrowing her own brows.

“Are we together..properly I mean..you’re my girlfriend?” he asked hesitantly.

She took a deep breath then released it, “well, I would hope so, otherwise maybe I shouldn’t have invited ya to stay the night.” She grinned.

A smile broke out across his face him chuckling lightly, “Good, it’s all I’ve wanted for ages.”

“Yeah?” she asked.

“Yeah.” He said assuredly nodding his head.

–

_11 years later_

“Are you ready?”

Rae nodded as she adjusted her dress, “Do I look okay?” Rae asked nervously.

“You look beautiful, stop fussing.” Emily said.

Rae had been nervous all day, in fact the entire week she was nervous wreck, she wanted to make sure every little detail was in order, the flowers, the dj, the dresses, the vicar, everything needed to be perfect, she would allow nothing less than perfect.

As the music began to play and the doors opened she took a deep breath and stepped in to view, she smiled and began to walk slowly towards the altar, her eye caught Finns, who was looking more handsome than ever if possible, she held his gaze the entire way up the aisle. Once she reached the top she turned taking her place, Finn grinning at her shooting her a wink.

When the bridal music began they tore their gaze away from one another to the bride, Lily looked stunning in her princess style wedding dress, Rae looked at Finn just as he was wiping away a tear watching his baby sister ascend up the aisle. Lily smiled at Rae and Finn as she took her husband to be’s hand.

From the night Finn went to Rae’s the two were inseparable, only a short week later both confessed their love for one another. Finn, Rae and Lily became there own little gang, even when Lily was old enough to not need a babysitter, Rae still found herself hanging around with her ‘little sister’ as she put it, Izzy and Chloe often included in these hang outs.

Rae helped Lily to fight through her insecurities and her first break up with Kyle, and she also had to physically restrain Finn from having a ‘friendly chat’ as he put it with him.

Finn going off to Uni, really put their relationship to the test. He would come back and visit as often as he could, when they would snuggle up together he would whisper how long until she would join him at Uni and how they would get their own flat together. Still though they had their ups and downs as any couple did, Rae still fighting against her own insecurities, but deep down she knew Finn loved her and wasn’t going anywhere.

-

The ceremony seemed to be over in a flash, as the bride and groom descended down the aisle Rae looked at Finn who was smiling brightly, he hooked his arm out for her which she laced hers through.

“You looked more nervous today than you did on our wedding day.” He chuckled.

“Yeah well, my maid of honor had to worry about all the details didn’t she…plus I wasn’t 8 months pregnant then, was I.”

Finn chuckled reaching his free hand to rub across her bump, “how is baby?” he asked.

“Uncomfortable from the feel of it, I don’t think he likes this dress.” Rae said as she adjusted it again.

“I think you don’t like the dress, m’dear.”

“I would have if you knocking me wouldn’t have coincided with Lily getting married.” Rae smirked.

“Hey, how was I supposed to know I would come home and find you parading around in that little red dress.” He replied defending himself.

“Yeah well, it was a good lesson to learn, also good thing you tore it so I guess it won’t happen again.” She teased.

“All clothes can be easily torn, Rae, besides it was fun learning that lesson don’t you think?” he smirked leaning into kiss her neck.

“It was…all 5 times.” She whispered.

“I think we can do better, next time.” he smiled against her neck.

“Finn, for Christ’s sake she’s already pregnant, now come on, it’s time for pictures.” Lily shouted.

Finn kissed Rae’s neck once more and whispered, “To.be.continued.” 


End file.
